Death is the Road to Awe UNFINISHED
by drumbjo
Summary: Seven years after the Cullens left, Bella is living in Shreveport, Louisiana. What would she do if the vampires of the SVM world came out of the coffin? What happens when she strikes up an unlikely friendship with the Sheriff of Area 5?
1. Chapter 1

_Okay - this is a Twilight / Southern Vampire Mysteries story, which poses the question: what would Bella do if seven years after Edward left, the vampires of the SVM world came out of the coffin?_

_I originally planned on this being a one-shot, but it was getting a little long (even though this chapter itself is very long!), so I'll split it into a few different chapters. I don't intend on this being a very long story, however. at the moment, anyway!_

_This is my first time in the Twilight world, but my eighth SVM story._

_Hope you enjoy!_

* * *

"BELLA!"

My housemate, Nicole, was yelling excitedly at me from the living room of the small apartment we shared in downtown Shreveport, Louisiana. I begrudgingly saved my work and closed the lid of my laptop before walking into the room. Nicole was kneeling on the carpet only a few feet in front of the TV and staring intently at the set.

"Oh my god, have you seen this?"

I took a seat on the sofa as Nicole joined me, perching on the edge and turning the TV up even louder. The woman showing on the set had shoulder-length blonde straight hair with sharp features, bright blue eyes and pale skin.

But my eyes were drawn to the bold banner at the bottom of the screen that read 'Vampires are real'. I felt a sense of dread come over me as my throat constricted and the ever-present hole in my chest threatened to engulf me. This could not be happening.

I managed to move my eyes from the words on the screen and take note of the woman. _"We at the American Vampire League promise all of mankind that with the invention of synthetic blood we no longer need to feed on humans to survive."_

I felt sick and dizzy. Vampires. I had successfully stayed away from all references to them in the seven years since the Cullens left Forks. I didn't watch the endless repeats of _Buffy,_ _Angel_ or _The Vampire Diaries_, and I stayed away from other books and references in popular culture.

Popular culture was easy to avoid, however. This was reality.

But I didn't understand it. The Cullens had always been so careful to remain in the shadows undetected. And for what I understood, the Volturi kept tight rules about publicity. Why were the vampires announcing themselves on national TV?

"Bells, are you okay?"

I dragged my eyes away from the TV and turned to Nicole who was wearing a concerned expression.

"Fine," I croaked, my voice sounding nothing like it should.

"You don't look fine. In fact you look like you've seen a ghost or something." I felt like I had. "It's kind of cool though? Vampires? Who'd have thought that they were real?" Nicole's face was one of pure glee as she turned back to the TV and carried on listening to what the blonde was saying.

"_Vampires are not a danger to humans. It is against our laws to bite a human without their consent and such actions will be severely punished."_

"_You have your own authorities then?"_ The scared-looking interviewer asked her.

"_We do, but obviously we will correspond with the human authorities. We did not ask to be made vampires and it is believed that we suffer from a virus that made us this way. Investigations are ongoing into the real plight of our condition."_

She was obviously gunning for the sympathy vote, but I didn't buy it. The interview continued and it was obviously one of vampire propaganda. She was calm and collected, answering all of the interviewer's questions without any hesitation. At the end of the interview, in an effort to lift the mood the interviewer asked her whether some of the myths and legends were true.

"_So Ms Flanagan, I'm sure all of our viewers would like to know whether you do in fact sleep in coffins?"_

The vampire gave him a sweet smile as she answered his question_. "We prefer not to. But it is necessary when we travel during the day or when we are away from home. We prefer to sleep in beds, as I'm sure you would."_

"_Of course, thank you. And can I ask if you can turn into bats?"_

"_Myth, I'm afraid. Though I can see that it would be handy."_ She gave him a toothy smile.

"_Can you be seen in mirrors?"_

"_Also a myth. In fact, it was a way that we stayed in the shadows for so long. If a vampire could be seen in a mirror, they obviously weren't a vampire!"_

The man looked scared by her answer and caught off-guard, but quickly recovered himself and asked her his final question.

"_I want to thank you, Ms Flanagan, for coming in today and speaking to us. I'm sure almost all of our viewers will be stunned to realise that we share our world with vampires, and we look forward to learning more and getting to know each other."_ I had a feeling that the 'getting to know' was more on our side than theirs. _"And finally, can I ask if we may see your fangs?"_

"_Of course,"_ she answered in an obviously scripted move before she opened her mouth and her fangs slid down into place.

Fangs.

The Cullens didn't have fangs. And they didn't sleep in coffins. Or at all, for that matter. And she had blue eyes. Not red, or amber, or black, but blue.

I didn't understand what was happening and I sat dumbstruck staring at the TV as the presenter started to address the camera and talk about the reaction to the news, and what the president had to say on the matter. Not that I was paying much attention to what was being said.

It was all coming back to me. Everything I had worked so hard to bury deep within my mind was coming back as a result of this news. I wanted to forget like Edward told me I would, but I never could. It was suppressed, yes, but always there, even these seven years later. And it never took much to bring back the memory of him or the Cullens.

I'd been a zombie for years after he left. And if it hadn't been for Jacob Black in that first year, I easily wouldn't have survived. However, I managed to attend the University of Washington in Seattle studying sociology despite my somewhat altered mental status, and I sank myself into my studies. I used it as a distraction, working all the hours I could, which was a great many since I became an insomniac.

At the time, I couldn't face being too far away from Forks. I needed to know that if there was any sign of the Cullens returning that I could easily make it back in time. I made Jacob and Sam promise that if there was any sighting or even a scent trail that they would contact me, the wolves knowing full well that they would easily know if the vampires ever returned.

But they never did.

After two years of study in Seattle, I finally started to live again. I made a few friends and I started to leave my room more and meet people. I started to see a psychologist – although I never divulged all the information, as that would probably have gotten me locked up – and with her help, I started to try to put Edward behind me. I had to realise that he wasn't coming back, and living on edge wasn't going to help me.

For that reason, I transferred to Louisiana State University in Shreveport. I chose Shreveport _because_ it was sunny and nowhere near as green and rainy as Washington was. And I knew the Cullens would never be anywhere where it was sunny, sticking to the Northern states where the sunshine hours weren't quite so high.

I became increasingly angry at the Cullens over the years. Angry at them for leaving me, when I had been beginning to think of them all as my family. Angry at then rest of them for letting Edward leave me the way he did. Angry at them all for not even saying goodbye.

My anger helped me, however. It forced me to put it all behind me and I began to see a future ahead of me. One that didn't include Edward. I can't say I liked it, but it was a future nonetheless.

Moving to Louisiana was the main thing that helped me recover and it was probably something I should have done to start with. In Seattle, I still held all the memories and hoped that he would return to me. I went home to Forks often, and never gave myself time away to heal. But once I was two and a half thousand miles away in Louisiana, I began to live again. Not everything reminded me of Edward. I'm not saying that I truly recovered, and I know to my dying day that I will never would forget him or love another in the way I loved him, but I managed to move past it. I buried my emotions and healed a little.

I even started dating the year after I moved to Shreveport. Oliver was great; he was a Fine Arts major in his final year, and was going on to become an art teacher. We met through mutual friends and instantly got on well. He was cute as well; tall and well-built with dark brown hair, blue eyes and a healthy tan from the Louisiana sunshine. His tan alone was enough to make him look nothing like Edward, but he was different in many ways, more outgoing and less prone to brood and sulk like Edward had.

I initially found that I compared almost everything about him to Edward, but as we got to know each other, I got to know him for him, not just his differences to my ex-boyfriend. We took it slowly – which I was very grateful for – and after a few months of casually dating we took it to the next level. He was always great with me, supportive and loving.

And I just hated it that I couldn't love him back in the same way.

In the end after just over three years together, we split up. He wanted marriage and kids, and a wife who could give him what he deserved. I wasn't that woman. He deserved so much more than me, so I left him. I felt bad that I had done exactly the same thing to Oliver that Edward had done to me, but I at least did not disappear into thin air.

I'd never really told Oliver much about Edward or my past, but I did make the effort to explain how broken I was. I had tried to love him, but I didn't realise how much of my heart and soul still belonged to Edward until I tried to move on and give it to another. I came to realise that I would never be able to love anybody else and would probably never marry. Maybe I should have just bought some cats and ended up as a crazy old spinster talking crazy tales about vampires and werewolves.

Except that it wasn't so crazy any more. And seeing the vampire on TV made it all come back to me. Where were the Cullens? Had they always known about these 'other' vampires? Was there more in this world that I didn't know about? Were they safe?

"Bella!"

I was torn out of my thoughts by Nicole whacking me on the arm and thrusting the phone in my direction.

"It's Jacob," she told me before she went to sit back down in front of the TV. I hadn't even heard the phone ring.

"Thanks," I muttered before taking the handset and going into my room, shutting the door tightly behind me and leaning against it.

"Hi Jake."

"_Hey Bells. You okay? You watching the TV?"_

"Yeah. I just … I don't understand. How?"

"_There's a lot in this world we don't know about. Billy reckons that the supernatural world is much larger than we ever thought possible."_

"But what, they're a different kind of vampire?"

"_Yeap_," he said, popping the 'p'. _"You have to admit, they're more the Bram Stoker, Anne Rice kind of vampire. Sleeping in coffins, fangs…"_

"Wow. I just … I didn't expect this. Do you think …" I didn't need to complete my sentence, Jacob knew what I was asking.

"_I don't know, Bella. Those guys were always so secretive. But then so were these vampires since we knew nothing about them. I can try and find out more, see if the tribe elders know anything. I'll let you know."_

"How long have you known?" he certainly seemed to know more than I did.

"_I only found out yesterday about the announcement. I probably shouldn't be telling you this,"_ his voice lowered to a whisper, _"but apparently we're not the only type of wolves either. There are other werewolves, ones that have to change on the full moon. And not only that, there are shifters that turn into other animals such as lynx, panther, fox or tiger. And even those that can turn into any animal they wish."_

This was becoming a little too much to take in for one evening. I sat down on my bed and took a deep breath.

"You haven't heard from … them?" It was the same question I always asked whenever I spoke to Jacob.

"_No, Bella. You know I would tell you if we did."_

"I know." The hole in my chest made itself present for a brief moment as I wondered what Edward and the Cullens were doing; what they made of this announcement and whether they would admit to being vampires. I ran my fingers over the scar on my hand that James had given me as I often did when I thought back to those days. "How are Suzy and the kids?"

"_Good. Crazy as ever!" _

In the first year that I'd been in Seattle Jacob had met Suzy who was a second cousin of Embry and had lived outside of the tribe. But as soon as she and Jake met, he imprinted on her and they were inseparable from that point on. Jake and Suzy now had two sons and a daughter and he was hugely happy. I couldn't help but feel jealous at times. Not because it was him and I wanted something with him – Jake had always been a close friend of mine – but because I envied what he had with his mate. I wanted to be able to have that.

"Great, tell Suzy I said 'hi'."

"_Will do. Are you okay Bells?"_ he asked with obvious concern in his voice.

"I'm fine. It's just a lot to take in and it's brought back some painful memories. I'll be okay though."

"_Think you'll meet any vampires? Shreveport's a large city, there are bound to be vampires in the area."_

I hadn't thought of that. "I don't know," I admitted. "I think it may be best if I stay away from vampires for the time being."

"_Maybe you should have in the first place,"_ Jake snarked under his breath.

"Jake!" I scolded. We had had that conversation many times.

"_Sorry. I just … you know my feelings towards vampires. It really would be best to stay away from them. All varieties, that is."_

"I haven't decided yet," I challenged, knowing I was going back on what I'd said only a few seconds before. Sometimes Jake's animosity towards the Cullens did annoy me still.

He let out a loud sigh. _"Just be careful, okay? You don't know what these vampires are like. They could be more like James, Victoria or Laurent." _

I shuddered thinking of those three and was glad that I'd known the wolves as otherwise I would not have survived the encounters with Victoria and Laurent. It was a fact that the Cullens leaving me had not left me safe at all, and without the help of the Quileute tribe I would have been dead years ago.

"I know. But then I doubt they'd be coming out of the coffin if they were savages like those three. I'll be careful, I promise. I love you, Jake."

"_Love you too, Bells."_

We both hung up and I threw the phone handset down onto my bed next to me. This really was a lot to take in and I didn't really understand what was happening. It had been strange enough to know of one type of vampire, but two distinctly different types? It seemed completely unreal. Were there others? Were there other creatures in the world that I didn't know of? It seemed increasingly likely that there were.

.

Over the next few weeks the news of the vampires making themselves known remained all over the media. We got to hear of all views. The religious right who condemned them as soulless devils who should be destroyed, to the newly named 'fangbangers' who wanted to have sex with vampires and, ultimately, become vampires themselves. But it became evident that the vampires were picky on who was turned, choosing to simply see the Fangbangers as a free source of food rather than a future companion.

Much despite myself, I found that I was spending hours reading all about them. And the more I read the more I realised how different they were to the vampires I had known in my former life. It seemed that they were not venomous as the Cullens had been, their bite being apparently quite sensuous instead. It was also said that they could hypnotise or 'glamour' a human into doing their bidding or forgetting certain things. I sometimes wondered whether if Edward had had that particular power whether he would have simply glamoured me into forgetting about him. I had a feeling he probably would have done.

Vampire bars started springing up all around the country, one of the first being in Shreveport, which opened the day after the announcement. It was called Fangtasia and became an instant success. I'd heard many stories of what went on there, although quite a few people came back not remembering what they had done. I didn't really want to think about what actually happened.

But it meant that when my equally curious roommate mentioned that she wanted to go to Fangtasia, I couldn't decline.

I knew that I probably should stay away from vampires considering my last run in with one of them. Victoria had been haunting me for weeks by skirting around the edge of where I lived as she played with me, and if it wasn't for the wolves I easily would have been killed. It wasn't amusing at the time, but the funny thing was that she thought killing me would be revenge for the Cullens killing her mate. I doubted Edward would even have known, he certainly didn't come back to try and prevent my death. Obviously Alice no longer had visions of me, or Edward had asked her not to look. I suspected that it was the second of the two reasons.

It was probably more luck than anything else that meant the wolves killed Victoria, and the small mistake she made meant that they were able to trap her and pull her into pieces. And the eight other vampires that she had made to kill me. I would never forget the curses she yelled as the wolves descended. She'd realised at that point that Edward wasn't coming back to save me, and she took great pleasure in reminding me that 'my mate' had left me of his own free will. Didn't I know it.

.

"What are you wearing?" Nicole asked, bouncing into my room and plonking herself down on my queen-sized bed.

"I'm not too sure. Jeans and a t-shirt?"

I peered into my closet to look at my collection of clothes. I wasn't one for going out very much, so I only had a few items that were really special. But I'd be much more comfortable in jeans and tee. I had a feeling that Nicole wasn't going to let it go.

"You are not going wearing that. This is a club, Bella. A vampire club. Most people will be wearing black and leather. Or black leather. I am." I raised an eyebrow at her since she wasn't normally a black leather kind of girl. "So I may have bought it specially!"

"Whatever you say!" I rifled through my closet until I found a red dress I'd once worn out on a date with Oliver. I'd loved it but never really much opportunity to wear it. I pulled it out and stuck the hanger over my head so the dress fell in front of me. "What do you think?"

"Definitely. Yes, you should definitely wear that. You look hot in that dress!"

I gave her a warm smile and hung the dress on the outside of my wardrobe. "You mind if I shower first?"

"Sure, go for it."

I usually ended up taking longer to get ready than Nicole did, as my long brown hair took forever to dry, and Nicole had short, spiky dark brown hair that was very reminiscent of Alice's. It made me really miss my old friend at times.

After spending what felt like hours drying and straightening my hair, I applied a little more make-up than I would normally wear and pulled on the red dress. I had to admit, I really did love that dress even though I still wasn't really a dress or skirt kind of girl. Even for work, I normally wore a pantsuit rather than showing my legs.

It was a Saturday night and we'd been warned to get to Fangtasia early as it normally filled up fairly quickly, so at eight I met Nicole so we could take the taxi ride across town to the bar. Nicole, as promised, was wearing a tight black top and a scandalously short black leather skirt. She looked good but I wouldn't have been caught dead wearing anything like that. I'd paired my knee-length red dress with a simple pair of black heels that I wasn't too bad at walking in.

At least my coordination had improved since I was a teenager.

"You're keeping your hair down?" Nicole asked as we climbed into the taxi.

"Yes. I'd prefer the vampires didn't see lunch when I walk in!"

"Mmmm. Apparently there's a particularly hot blond. He can lunch on me if he wants!"

I rolled my eyes and sat nervously playing with my fingers, as the car got closer to the bar. I was beginning to wonder whether it was a good idea to go near vampires. What if they glamoured me into telling them everything I knew about the Cullens?

"Don't be so nervous," Nicole scolded as we arrived at the club. She paid the driver and we got out to see there was already a long queue forming around the place. Maybe if I was lucky we wouldn't actually get in.

I took a deep breath and let my friend lead me past the front door of the club in the direction of the back of the line; a line that was even longer than I'd expected it to be. There was a tall blonde female at the door acting as the bouncer, and I could tell instantly that she was a vampire. I didn't quite know how, but I could just see that there was something other worldly about her. She was wearing tight black leather pants and a leather corseted top.

And she looked positively bored.

I gave her a quick smile before hurrying past and heading to the back of the line.

"Hey," I heard from behind me. "You two." I grabbed Nicole's hand and turned to look back, the blonde vampire who had been at the door was suddenly right by me. "What's your name?"

She was looking strangely at me, slightly squinting and then scowling at me. "Bella," I eventually answered when I found my voice.

She scowled once more at me before turning to Nicole, a wry smile appearing on her lips. "I'm Nicole Jordan," she announced without the vampire having to ask her. "This is my roommate Isabella Swan."

I turned to scowl at Nicole but it looked like she wasn't quite with it. I wondered whether the vampire had just glamoured her. A cold chill going down my spine when I realised that she probably had.

"You two can come in, but I need to see some ID first. I can't tell human ages anymore."

The vampire's bored tone was back and she led us to the door of the club, much to the annoyance of all the others who were waiting in the queue to get in. We both showed her our identification and then she allowed us entry into the dark club.

I gave Nicole a glance, noticing that the vampire was still watching us as we walked into the club. The room was packed full of people and the bar was crowded. It was decorated – as would be expected – in reds and blacks with a large luminous sign promoting the name of the club on one wall and pictures of famous fictional vampires adorning the walls. It was very cliché and somewhat cheesy, but exactly what one would expect of a vampire club.

Most of the people in the bar were wearing black, the odd red or purple around, and it was easy to spot those who were the tourists – the category that surely Nicole and I fitted into. There were also the fangbangers – who were wearing little more than underwear and were proudly displaying their bite marks – and the vampires themselves, who appeared to glow slightly in their whiteness and generally looked pissed off to be there. I wondered if they were being forced to be there.

"Drink?" Nicole asked.

"Yeah, I could do with a beer."

Nicole queued up to get our drinks while I looked around the club further. There were booths along the walls as well as high tables and stools, and a dance-floor to one side. But in one corner was a raised area where there was what could only be described as a thrown.

And in that thrown was a large, well-built blond vampire who seemed to be staring right at me.

I swallowed audibly as our eyes met momentarily before I looked away. He was obviously a vampire, and considering the position he was sat in I assumed that he held a position of power. I deliberately turned my back to him to avoid his gaze and watched Nicole as she was served by an American-Indian looking vampire. When Nicole went to pay for our drinks, she was told that were on the house.

A feeling of dread settled over me, and I watched the bartended indicate behind me when Nicole asked why our drinks were being paid for. He simply smirked at her and pointed directly behind us. We both spun around to see the large blond vampire stood leaning casually against one of the high tables, the blonde vampire from the door stood next to him with an identical smirk.

"Isabella Swan," he stated as his eyes bore into my skull.

"How do you know my name?" I managed to ask, my voice stronger than I would have expected it to be.

"You're in my vault," the female informed me as she pointed at her temple. Damn vampires and their infinite memories.

The tall male was still staring intently at me, and he took a step closer towards me. It was everything I could do to not step backwards. He suddenly scowled at me and turned to the female, speaking to her in a language I did not recognise. They had a brief conversation and then she was dismissed by him and went to take up position at the door again.

I took a nervous swig from my drink as I watched her leave, my eyes falling back to him. I had to admit that he was incredibly hot. He had shoulder length blond hair, piercing pale blue eyes, perfect pale skin and he was built like a warrior. I was sure that he'd make even Emmett look small with his size as he had to be at least six foot four and was huge with it, his muscles clearly on show with the blank tank he was wearing. Below it, he was wearing well-fitting black jeans and black boots.

"What are you?" he asked me as I swallowed nervously. He took one more step closer to me and sniffed the air around me. I felt like I was a prime steak.

"What?" I didn't understand his questioning.

He took one last step towards me so that he was almost touching me. He leant down so his face was at the level of my neck and took a large sniff. I instantly thought of James and felt paralysed in fear. I understood that these vampires had better control of their blood lust than the ones I had known in my former life, but I still feared for my life.

After far too long a time, the vampire stepped back from me once more and my eyes met his. He again had a look of concentration on his face and then seemed to give up.

"You smell delicious, Miss Swan."

"So I've been told," I muttered under my breath.

"And who would have told you that?" he asked with venom.

"Uh-" I stuttered, not really knowing what to say. "A vampire?" I didn't intend it to come out as a question, but the rise at the end of my comment gave it that indication.

"And what vampires have you met before, you very much look like the virgin to this club. You stick out like a sore thumb."

I was vaguely amused by his turn of phrase, but scared at the same time. I didn't want to tell this vampire about the Cullens. He'd evidently already tried to glamour me and had had little luck, but I was more than aware there were other methods of persuasion he could use if he wanted to get something out of me.

"Come with me, Miss Swan, I think I'd like to talk to you in private."

I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and a feeling of intense fear began to paralyse me. "But my friend…"

"Is more than happy right now."

I turned to see that Nicole was on the dance floor with a seedy looking brown haired male vampire. I didn't like the look of him, but there was little I could do. The blond vampire gently took my upper arm and pulled me away from the bar towards an office, pushing me into the room and closing the door behind me.

"Please don't kill me!" I begged as soon as he turned to face me again.

"I'm not intending on it, but there are things you're not telling me. Want to tell me why my glamour doesn't work on you?"

"I don't know! I'm obviously defective or something. It didn't –" I managed to catch myself before I could complete that sentence, but the vampire had obviously caught that I was not telling him something.

"You will tell me. I may not be able to glamour you, but in my thousand years I have learned a few torture tricks that I would just love to try out on you." Thousand years? That was a long time.

"Please don't," I begged, finally giving into the tears that I'd been fighting. I knew I shouldn't have come. I should have stayed well away from vampires. I should have learnt my lesson on that one.

He slowly walked towards me again and I backed up as far as I could until my legs hit a large black leather sofa and I was forced to sit down. The vampire came and knelt down in front of me.

"I don't like tears, but yours smell delicious."

He ran a cold finger along my cheek to collect some of the tears that had fallen and brought his finger to his mouth, sucking the moisture off and groaning in pleasure.

"You taste even better than you smell. I can only imagine what your blood tastes like."

I had an instant vision of me being drained by this vampire and my heart sunk. I had survived so much since the Cullens left, but this was my own fault. My own stupid curiosity had brought me to this club and now this vampire was going to be the death of me.

My mind instantly thought of Edward and wondered what he would do if he ever found out what had happened. Or whether he even cared for that matter. A few more tears leaked from my eyes and they weren't linked to the situation I was in.

"You are sad," the vampire commented.

"I'm about to be drained dry by a vampire!" I yelled, "What do you expect!"

"No, that is not the reason for your sorrow."

I swallowed loudly as I watched his eyes leave my face, pause briefly on my neck and then run his eyes over my body. I again felt like a piece of meat to be devoured. Until he saw the crescent shaped scar on my hand, that is.

I instantly tried to withdraw my hand and hide the scar, but his grip on my wrist was too strong.

"What is this?" he asked after examining it closely, running a finger over the scar and the surrounding area.

"I was bitten," I admitted, knowing that there was little point in lying to him now. I had never been a good liar anyway.

He got up and sat down next to me on the sofa. "You have met vampires before, only not my kind."

I clenched my eyes shut as I was met with images of Edward leaving me. It was still a regular nightmare even after these seven years, but it was an image I normally managed to keep out of my waking life. Obviously not today.

"Yes," I whispered in confirmation.

"You weren't turned," he stated.

"No." I easily remembered the burning pain that came from James' bite and the sensation of Edward sucking his venom out of me. The scar never had truly healed and always felt a few degrees colder than my body temperature.

"How?"

The vampire's eyes were intense upon me and I swallowed the bile I could feel rising. "It was sucked out."

"Sucked out?"

"Yes."

"By?"

"Another vampire."

"How?"

"I don't know, he just did it."

The blond vampire gave me a quizzical look and settled back into the sofa, his long legs crossed in front of him.

"I have never met a human before that has survived a run-in with a day-walker."

"Day-walker?" I queried.

"It distinguishes us from them. They tend to call us night-stalkers. What's left of them, anyway."

My face fell and a feeling of cold dread settled over me. What did he mean by that comment?

"What do you mean?"

"Well, they can walk in the daylight, do not sleep and have a tendency to sparkle in the sunlight, and we sleep during the hours of daylight."

I got the distinction, but I wasn't referring to that. "I meant when you said 'what's left of them'."

He shrugged his shoulders. "They've mostly been eradicated in the last few years. They are considered a liability to the vampire name by the AVL. Their new-borns are too strong and they are unable to not kill humans unless they plan on turning them. There have been epidemics of them before which we have had to deal with, so they were eliminated for the most part."

The hole in my chest felt like it was imploding on itself as I considered the thought that Edward might be dead. That all of the Cullens might be dead. Edward had once told me that he couldn't live in a world where I wasn't. And the fact was that I felt the same. I may not have heard from him for over seven years since a few days after my fateful eighteenth birthday, but I didn't want to be in a world where he wasn't.

But he hadn't said all of them were eliminated. "But not all of them?" I squeaked.

He gave me a querying look. "No, some were allowed to remain. You know of the Volturi?" I nodded my confirmation. "Well they were eliminated by the Italian vampires and a general rule was put out to kill day-walkers at sight. Only certain covens were allowed to carry on staying un-dead."

I let out the breath I'd been holding. Could the Cullens be one of those covens? I had to ask him for confirmation.

"The ones that don't feed on humans?"

"Yes. But they mostly stick to the northern states or Canada. They are closely monitored."

I felt relief surge through me. I didn't want to ask directly about the Cullens, but I was hopeful that they were one of the covens that had been deemed safe to the vampire name.

"You are a strange being, Isabella Swan."

"It's Bella," I corrected.

He raised an eyebrow at me. "My name is Eric Northman. I am the vampire sheriff of Area 5 in Louisiana. You met my child Pam at the door."

"Child?" I queried.

"I made her. She is of my blood."

"Okay," I said, not quite knowing what to say. There was a pause while we were both quiet, the vampire's eyes on me as I tried not to think about Edward.

"You are concerned about the day-walkers?"

I sank back into the sofa and shut my eyes for a moment. "I knew the Cullens." I admitted to him, figuring there was little point in lying. It was obvious he knew who they were. "I used to date one of them. I was only seventeen but I completely fell in love with him."

"I do not understand your concept of love, but I know their kind mate for life. What happened?" He raised an expectant eyebrow at me and I took a deep breath.

"He left me." I had never actually told anyone about the Cullens. The only person who really spoke about them was Jacob, and he knew it all anyway. "He told me he didn't want me."

"He was a fool." Eric commented as he continued to appraise me, his pale blue eyes studying my face. "I have heard of the Cullens and I understand they are one of the covens deemed safe due to their … unusual diet and restrained nature. I could find them if you wished me to."

I stared at him, slightly taken aback by his offer. Did I want to find them? Over the years I had looked in placed where I thought they might be, but I never even found a trace. At least he was confirming to me that they were alive. Or undead, at least.

"I don't know … I …"

"The offer is open," he told me nonchalantly. He ran a cool finger down my neck and I trembled from the sensation. "You really do smell delicious. I would very much like to taste you."

I was certain that if he could have he would have glamoured me by now, but he leaned forward and pinned me to the sofa, his cold breath on my neck as he inhaled my scent. He moved closer as he lips met my neck and I tried to sink into the sofa to get away from him. He kissed me gently on my pulse point, his cold nose running along my neck as he nuzzled me.

"Bella…" he whispered is a husky voice before placing another kiss on my neck.

"Please don't," I begged, not able to keep the emotion out of my voice.

It was so reminiscent of what Edward used to do, the way his cold lips and breath felt against me neck. But I wanted it to be Edwards lips and I didn't want to replace those memories I had of him.

"Please don't," I begged again and the vampire leaned back away from me.

"You do realise that every human female and a good proportion of the males in this club would beg me to bite them?"

He leaned back and raised an eyebrow as he smirked at me, his long legs crossing at the ankle as he surveyed me.

I gave him a smile. "I'm sure they would. And maybe if…" I stopped myself before I mentioned not meeting the Cullens. I never wanted to think that way.

"I understand. But if you change your mind, you know where to find me."

We were interrupted by a knock at the door, to which Eric called out to enter and Pam walked in. she instantly raised an eyebrow at the situation in front of her. "You haven't even bitten her?" she asked with obvious disdain.

"She asked me not to. I will never force myself on anyone when there are so many more than willing."

She rolled her eyes at his comment. "The hordes are getting restless, Master. The vermin need to be entertained."

"Vermin?" I queried, not quite sure if I heard correctly.

"Pam's name for the humans who come here. It's quite apt." Eric informed me.

"You would consider me vermin?"

He looked thoughtful for a moment. "You are different. You know more than most and you have no desires to sleep with or become a vampire. It makes you different to most that come here. Your friend however…" he trailed off.

"She's just curious. I don't think she wants to be a vampire."

"She wants to sleep with me, though. But most of them do." I rolled my eyes at his arrogance, though I had to admit that it was probably warranted. He stood up and extended a hand to me. "You will come back, Miss Swan? I find that I actually quite enjoy your company. You are different to every other human I have met, and your scent is quite intoxicating."

I had to admit to being surprised by his confession, but in all honesty I quite enjoyed his company as well. I took his hand and he helped me up as Pam led us both back into the bar.

In the presence of other humans he instantly became the cold, arrogant vampire once more, pushing the fangbangers out of his way and resuming his position back on the raised thrown in one corner of the room. Pam caught my attention and gave a dramatic eye roll at his antics.

When I finally found Nicole she was still in the arms of the brown-haired vampire I'd left her with, and while I was concerned about her, she'd specifically told me that she wanted to hook up with a vampire. Personally I thought she was crazy, but then I was hardly one to judge.

Instead I bought myself another beer and went to sit down in an unoccupied booth. It was fun watching the reaction that Eric got from almost every human in the club: they seemed completely in awe of him and were desperate to get some kind of attention, even if it was being glared at or kicked away if they got too close to him. I couldn't help but find it highly amusing, and Eric had caught my eyes a few times to smirk at me.

"May I join you?" Pam asked after a while and came to sit down before I'd had the chance to give my approval. Not that I'd have dared to have denied her. She had a bottle of blood in her hand, which she placed on the table.

"You seem to be very relaxed around vampires," she commented, her eyebrow arched as she regarded me.

"You're not the first vampires I have met." There seemed little point in lying to her when I had already told Eric. "I used to live in the Pacific North-West in Washington. I went to school with a family of vampires."

"You went to school with vampires? Day-walkers, I take it?"

"Yeah. I dated one for a few months." I tried to keep the sadness out of my voice, but I had a feeling that I failed miserably.

"You were lucky to survive."

Didn't I know it. "I had a few run-ins with hostile ones, but the ones I knew wouldn't have hurt me." Not physically, anyway.

"What's that stuff like?" I asked, pointing at the untouched bottle and making an attempt to change the subject away from the Cullens.

"Disgusting."

"Why do you drink it then?" I asked.

"Who said I was drinking it?" Pam responded with a smirk.

"I thought you guys could survive on synthetic blood."

"We can, but that doesn't mean we want to. Why drink that shit when there are so many humans willing to give it to us for free. For that reason, coming out of the coffin was the best thing we did."

"Okay…" I wasn't quite sure what to say to that.

"The vampires you knew, the day-walkers…," she started, bringing our conversation back to the Cullens. "They weren't a threat to you?"

"No," I sighed. "They drank animal blood."

"Fuck! That's disgusting! I'd rather drink this shit than feed from animals."

"They always said predators tasted better. Ed-" I stopped myself, took a deep breath to clear my head and started again. "Edward always preferred mountain lion, his brother preferred grizzly bear."

"Still disgusting."

"They used to joke that they were 'vegetarians'." I told her, feeling a little nostalgic.

"You miss them," she observed.

I smiled ruefully. "It's been seven years since I've seen or heard anything from them. Eric confirmed that he thinks they survived the cull of day-walkers as they're more restrained than others, but they left me and never came back. They obviously don't want to see me."

Pam gave me a look and then stood up, extending her hand to me. "Come, let's dance."

"I don't dance."

"Sure you do. And anyway, everyone will be looking at me."

I reluctantly took her hand and she led me to the dance floor. I had to admit that I had a good time, and Pam was right in saying most eyes were on her. At the end of the night Nicole was nowhere to be seen, but Eric informed me that he'd seen her leave with one of the vampires in his area. He promised that she would be safe with him, and I had no reason not to believe him. Nicole always was braver than me.

Over the following weeks and months I developed a strange relationship with Pam and Eric, and I usually attended Fangtasia at least once a week. My friendship with Pam was an unusual one, but I genuinely liked her and quickly discovered she had a love of shopping almost as voracious as Alice's. It made me miss my old friend at times. And I found it quite remarkable how different she was when she wasn't playing the role of the 'vampire' preferring to dress in pastels and looking like a suburban housewife rather than the leather-clad vampire she was while on duty.

Of course, the vampires I got to know were a world away to the ones I'd known as a teenager, and it seemed appropriate to some extent. The ones I'd known as a teenager seemed innocent, and Edward in particular was quite puritanical in some of his views. I often wondered whether our relationship would ever have got that step further, or whether he'd have demanded marriage first.

The vampires I knew now … well they were sin in vampire form. They were all for sex and blood, and, more often than not, both at the same time. Feeding for them came hand in hand with sex and I was certain it was constantly on their minds.

I also wondered how much of the difference was down to me; that I'd changed significantly in the seven years since the Cullens left Forks. I was a twenty-five year old woman; no longer a girl.

Edward had always been the 17-year-old boy to me, but the fact was that he'd been a vampire for eighty odd years, and even though he repeated high-school and college consistently, he still had the same worldly knowledge that these vampires possessed. And not to mention all the things he'd seen in people's heads. He knew all about sex, he just didn't want that with me.

But Eric, in particular, lived for danger. He enjoyed confrontation and relished being the most powerful being in the area, if not the state. I didn't know much about vampire politics, but I was aware that he was held responsible for certain things and then had to report upwards. In all honesty, I didn't think I wanted to know.

.

"Visitor, Bella."

I peered out over the top of my blankets to see the large form of Eric filling up the doorway. I was fairly sure that he had probably glamoured Nicole into letting him into the house as we had established a 'no vampires' rule.

"Eric, what are you doing here?" I asked, my voice struggling to find any volume. "Did you just glamour Nicole into letting you in here?"

"Yes," he stated with no shame.

I'd been in bed sick for weeks feeling genuinely unwell, feverish and incredibly tired. I'd been sleeping almost eighteen hours a day and just couldn't seem to kick whatever bug I had, in fact over the previous week I'd gotten much worse. Nicole had been hassling me to see a doctor, but my health insurance wasn't that great and I was certain it was just the flu.

"You haven't been by the club for a few weeks. I wanted to know why." It was typical of Eric to be so blunt.

"Sorry, I should have called. I've been feeling like shit for weeks now."

He gave me a look then walked in. "You smell horrid," he told me as he crinkled up his nose.

"Sorry, I've not had the energy to shower for a few days." I was aware that I did pong a little.

"That wasn't what I meant, although you don't smell so great in that department either."

"What did you mean?" I asked feeling confused. I tried to sit up in the bed a little further but struggled to find the energy or strength.

Eric was instantly by my side and pulling me up into a sitting position. "I mean that your blood smells off. You normally smell delicious, much nicer than most humans, but right now you smell rancid."

"Know how to make a girl feel good about herself!" I joked, but Eric didn't even smile.

"You need to see a doctor."

"I don't have very good health…" Eric interrupted me before I could continue.

"That is irrelevant. And the doctor I know is not human. I will call your friend to help you dress and then you will come with me to Fangtasia. It would be better if the doctor did not come here."

"I'm not going to Fangtasia looking like this!" Even after a change of clothes I would hardly be in any fit state to go to Eric's bar.

"It's Monday, the bar is closed." I hadn't realised what day of the week it was.

He walked out of the room and I heard him speaking to Nicole before obviously stepping outside to make a phone call. Nicole came in and smiled at me before pulling some clothes out of my chest of drawers for me to change into. I had a feeling that Eric had yet again glamoured her into doing his bidding. I was going to have words with him.

I reluctantly let Nicole help me out of bed and went to the bathroom, washing quickly and sticking my hair up in a tight knot at the back of my head before getting changed. As I stared in the mirror and brushed my teeth I realised quite how sick I did look. I must have lost about twenty pounds in the three weeks I'd been unwell, and in all honesty I looked similar to the weeks after the Cullens had left.

I spat out the toothpaste, noticing an excess amount of blood in the sink, but dismissed it. I'd been bleeding easily recently but I hadn't thought to think anything of it. I realised that maybe I should have gone to see a doctor earlier, and I was actually grateful for Eric's help on this one even if I did intend to pay him back whenever I could.

When I left my room, Eric was stood in the hallway leaning against the wall as he observed me. "The doctor will meet us at Fangtasia in fifteen minutes so we need to leave now. Let me carry you."

Before I could protest, Eric had scooped me up into his arms and was carrying me at inhuman speed in the direction of his cherry-red corvette. It was evident that vampires of all species' seemed to enjoy driving at stupidly fast speeds, as within ten minutes we'd managed what should be at least a fifteen minute journey.

Almost before the car had stopped, Eric was by my door and carrying me in through the back door of Fangtasia, laying me down on the black leather sofa once we got inside. He kindly found a blanket and draped it over me to keep me warm.

I was surprised by his behaviour towards me. We didn't have a romantic relationship, although he'd asked on more than one occasion that I 'yield' to him, however whenever I declined he never pushed it. But he'd always struck me as being very self-centred and arrogant, so his concern for me was quite surprising. I couldn't help but wonder whether there was something he wanted from me that I didn't know about.

Eric went about some work, pounding tirelessly on the keyboard of his laptop until a knock at the door indicated that arrival of the doctor. I was shocked by her appearance, and despite being no more than three foot tall she had a commanding presence about her. She had grey hair, which was tied in a bun at the back of her head, and small glasses that fitted on the end of her pointy nose.

"This is the human you wish me to see, vampire?"

"Yes." Eric moved to the front of his desk and leaned back on it, his ankles crossed, as the doctor approached me.

"My name is Dr Ludwig," she told me before turning to Eric. "I'm surprised, vampire, that you cannot tell what is wrong with her. Her blood smells putrid."

"I'm quite aware of that," he hissed at her. "I brought you here to fix her."

The doctor turned back to me and placed a hand on my forehead as she studied me. "I need to do some test results, but they will only confirm what I already know."

"Which is?" I whispered.

"You have leukaemia and you probably have no more than a few days to live. There is little conventional medicine can do for you bar prolong your life. I'm sorry."

I let the shock wash over me and felt numb at her words. I had leukaemia and I was dying.

Fuck.

"My blood will heal her," Eric told the doctor as he strode closer to me.

"Your blood will help her, Northman, but it will not cure her. The disease is too far ingrained in her system. Only a complete transfusion of vampire blood will help her," she said, pausing to look up at Eric who was over twice her height. "But then you know what that will do," she told him with a smile.

"I am sorry to give you such bad news. I will get the tests done and let Northman know the results, but it will not show any difference to what I have told you."

With that, the doctor walked out of the room and Eric knelt down in front of me. "I'm sorry, Bella."

"It's not your fault, I should have gone to see a doctor earlier…"

I didn't know what to think or do. There were so many things I had wanted to do, places to see. People to see. As usual, my mind conjured up the image of Edward. What would he think? Would he know? Would he care? I remembered the day of my eighteenth birthday when he told me that he couldn't live without me. That if I died he would go to the Volturi and ask for death. Did that still stand or had the fact that he left me quelled that statement. Not that the Volturi were still around, for that matter.

I hadn't noticed a tear fall down my cheek until Eric's finger wiped it away and popped it into his mouth.

"Even your tears taste disgusting," he told me.

I looked up into his pale blue eyes and could see the concern in them. "Thank you, Eric," I told him. "You've been a good friend."

"I know. But it doesn't have to end here. Let me turn you. I've been considering taking on a new child. My old one causes nothing but trouble." I heard Pam shout a profanity at Eric from somewhere within Fangtasia and Eric chuckled. "I mean it, Bella. You'd make a good vampire."

I stared at him, not quite able to believe what he was telling me. He was really offering to turn me? My mind again flitted to Edward. What would he think? Would he change me if he was here? Would Carlisle? After all, every one of the other Cullens had been dying before Carlisle changed them, how was I any different. Well, except for the fact that Edward wouldn't want me as part of his family.

"I don't know … I …"

"You don't have to decide now, but I would like you to take some of my blood. It will make you feel better."

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked him feeling quite stunned at his suggestion. I didn't like the idea of taking blood from him – wasn't it supposed to be the other way around?

"Take my blood. It has healing properties.

His face was sincere as he knelt down in front of me. "I'm not good with blood. Even the smell of it makes me feel queasy."

"Trust me, you will like mine." His face was smug as he regarded me. "It will help clear your head so you can make a decision. You will feel much better, even if it is only temporary." A little sadness crept into his eyes as he told me that.

I didn't like the idea of it, but I didn't seem to have many other options. "It won't turn me…"

"No, I'd have to drain you for that and you won't need much." He stood up and sat down on the sofa next to me, his long legs wide open. "Come and sit with your back against my chest, it is the most comfortable position."

I wasn't too sure about that, but did as he asked anyway. Leaning back against his cool body was all a little too reminiscent of Edward for my liking, but I tried to push those thoughts away.

Eric placed a soft kiss on my shoulder before he bit his own wrist and held it in front of me. The smell of blood instantly made me feel a little queasy, but it did smell better than human blood at least, less irony and acidic.

"Drink, Bella," he whispered into my ear as he brought his wrist only a few millimetres away from mouth, but still making it my choice.

I tentatively licked his wrist, finding the taste not wholly unpleasant, and I then latched onto the wound, lapping up the blood that had spilled from his wrist before sucking on the wound a few times until the wound closed. Eric pulled his wrist away from me and I became aware that he had been moaning as I drank from him.

I turned to face him, seeing that he was wearing a look of smug satisfaction. "How are you feeling?" he asked.

"How are you feeling?" I shot back at him, seeing the obvious bulge in his jeans. I hadn't realised that it was a turn on for vampires to be drank from, and if I had known I certainly would have insisted on us sitting in a different position.

"I'd be better if you let me fuck you."

I rolled my eyes but gave him a warm smile. "Not going to happen, Eric."

"If I was your Maker I could compel you to fuck me." He leaned back into the sofa and linked his hands behind his head in an obvious show of power.

"You're not making me want to choose that option," I told him honestly. I didn't know whether Carlisle ever had that power over his vampires, but I was certain he would never use it even if he did.

"I promise you I would not make you sleep with me if you didn't want to. But I also promise you that you wouldn't be able to resist me forever."

"You're insufferable," I told him, standing up and feeling much better from the ingestion of his vampire blood. "But I do feel better. Thank you." I took a deep breath and looked around the room. "I have a lot to think about."

"I'll drive you home. Get some rest and think on it. You have a few days, but I could only give you blood once more."

"Why only once more?" I asked with genuine curiosity.

Eric stood up and grabbed his car keys off his desk and led me to the door. "With our kind, once there are three blood exchanges the vampire and human become inexplicably linked. They can feel each other's emotions and need to be near each other. It is very rarely done, and usually only when a vampire falls in love with a human."

I thought once more of Edward as I followed Eric to his car, the familiar hole in my chest threatening to consume me.

"You are sad," he stated.

"How do you know that?"

"I can feel your emotions."

"I thought you said that only happened after three exchanges?"

"For the human to feel a vampire, yes. But once a human ingests vampire blood they can sense the emotions of that human. I would always be able to find you. Not that I expect you to go very far."

"You didn't think to tell me this before?" I was a little pissed off at his high-handedness.

"No. It was not relevant."

I sighed in defeat as Eric pulled up at my apartment. "Thanks for the ride. And the blood, I do feel much better."

"I will send Pam to come and collect you tomorrow evening at first dark." With that he drove off as soon as I was out of the car.

I went straight to my room once back inside the apartment and sank down onto my bed. If Eric hadn't turned up when he did I would probably be dead within a few days, and even with Eric's blood I wasn't going to survive longer than a week.

This was a lot to take in.

Should I accept his offer of turning me? Did I want to become like him? I could give it a go maybe. I was well aware that his kind of vampire was much more breakable than the Cullens, and if I didn't get on with his kind of immortality I could always meet the sun or fall on a sharp, pointy wooden object.

The other option that came into my mind was to contact the Cullens, but I quickly dismissed that thought. Edward had made it clear to me seven years ago that he didn't want me. Why would he be concerned about me now?

So it was death or immortality with Eric as a vampire.

I crawled into bed, feeling suddenly very tired and I slept better than I had done in weeks. The next morning I woke at eleven feeling much more alive than the previous morning. But the fact remained that I wasn't. I was dying.

I needed to think and I had a huge decision to make. I got out of bed and turned on the shower, making it as hot as I could stand before climbing in and letting the water do its work to relax me. After washing and conditioning my hair and drying off I walked into the kitchen to make a breakfast of eggs and bacon.

Was I prepared to give up food? Daylight? At least the Cullens still had that pleasure. But then the other option was death, and I didn't really fancy that either. And what of my family? I hardly spoke to either parent these days.

My mom I hadn't seen for four years. She was living in southern California with Phil and we probably only spoke on the phone a few times a year when she remembered that she had a daughter. She wouldn't really miss me if I was dead or a vampire.

Charlie had married Sue Clearwater three years ago, her husband having died three years before that, and he had his hands full as both Leah and Seth were married with two kids each. Or pups, anyway. Dad had found out about the wolves when Victoria attacked, so was brought crashing into the world of vampires and wolves.

He ultimately also found out about the Cullens, Seth letting it slip once. To say that Charlie was furious with me was an understatement. Luckily, I'd been in Seattle at the time so only had to take his ear-bashing down the phone, but I was called reckless and irresponsible to name but a few of his comments.

It was odd to defend the Cullens against my father, but it drove a wedge between us that never really healed. It was another reason that I chose to move thousands of miles away to Louisiana.

And now he would also know about the night-stalkers, and I supposed that if I was turned I would at least get to stay in some form of contact with him. Although I'd assume he'd still be pissed at me.

I threw my used plate into the sink in frustration. I had no idea what to do. Maybe I needed to know more about what I was letting myself into if I agreed for Eric to turn me. I was aware he was one of the most powerful vampires in the state, but I also had seen first-hand how manipulative and conniving he could be. And he would have ultimate power over me as his child.

But it was either that or death.

I decided to go for a walk to clear my head, the late March weather starting to get warm and the sun finally packing some heat. I figured that I might as well enjoy the sunlight now I was soon not going to see it. Whatever decision I chose.

.

Pam knocked on my door at half seven to pick me up to go back to Fangtasia. I'd chosen to wear a royal blue sweater-dress that I'd bought on a shopping spree with Pam but had never had the guts to wear. Blue was still a colour I chose normally not to wear.

"You look good enough to eat," was Pam's remark as soon as she saw me and led me to her minivan.

"Gee, thanks Pam!" I replied sarcastically.

"You still smell like crap though, so don't worry yourself. Although I would like to point out that I was right about how good you'd look in that dress." She really did sound like Alice at times.

I got into her car and buckled myself in just in time for Pam to drive off at breakneck speed.

"You should know that Eric does not normally give his blood to humans. He is old and his blood is powerful. He hasn't given it to anyone since he made me." I hadn't realise quite what an unusual event it was that Eric had given me his blood, but I was grateful to him even though I could feel its effects wearing off by the hour. I was obviously sicker than the doctor had originally thought.

"How is he," I asked, "as a maker?"

She looked thoughtful for a moment before answering. "I could not imagine a better maker. He is fair but demands respect and obedience when necessary. He will teach you everything you need to know to be a successful vampire. I would not have had it any other way."

"You don't miss your human life?" I had never discussed this with Pam before.

"I was nineteen when I was turned and living in early Victorian London. I no doubt would have been forced to marry a man I didn't care for and have his children. I instantly loved being a vampire – it was my true calling. But it will be different for you. We had to live in secrecy and constantly move around to avoid detection. You will just be a statistic. You can continue to have a relationship with your family, although Eric will probably not allow it for the first few years. You will need to embrace your inner vampire." She gave me a fangy smile as we approached Fangtasia.

I noticed her scowl slightly as she saw someone or something, but she never elaborated. Once we were parked she pulled me quickly towards the back entrance to the club and deposited me in Eric's office as she had some kind of silent dialogue with him. I'd grown used to this, so went to sit down on Eric's sofa and played a game on my iPhone.

"How are you feeling?" Eric asked me once Pam had left and shut the door.

"I felt really good this morning, now not so." There seemed little point in lying to Eric.

He sighed and gave me an almost sympathetic look. "Dr Ludwig called me at first dark to tell me that the tests confirmed the leukaemia, but also that it was progressing at an advanced rate. If you want longer to decide on whether you wish to become vampire, you will need to take more of my blood." He paused for a moment. "Have you made a decision yet?"

I fidgeted in my seat and bit my lip momentarily before meeting Eric's stare. "I think I have. I was talking to Pam on the way in … I would like to accept your offer." As I said the words I knew it was the right decision to make.

Eric gave me a beaming smile. "You've made the right choice, Miss Swan. After we close the club tonight I will take you to my home and turn you. It will take three days, but you will rise a vampire."

"Does it hurt?" I asked, remembering the pain I felt from James' bite.

"No. You will be asleep for the change."

That was a relief to some extent.

"So we're really doing this tonight?" I asked him, the reality hitting me that I had seen daylight for the last time.

But before he could answer me there was a knock at the door and Pam walked in. "Eric, there is a vampire here to see Bella. He is a day-walker."_

* * *

_

_So what do you think? I'd love to know your comments and views._

_Next chapter should be up in a few days._

_;)_


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks for reading and reviewing. It's great to hear what people think._

* * *

**Alice**

"You cheated!" Emmett yelled, pouncing on Jasper after he'd thrown the game controller on the floor.

Rosalie just shot me a look and rolled her eyes as she tried to decide on what shade of purple to paint her nails. I ignored the boys' yelling and concentrated on my book until a vision hit me.

_It was Bella. But she looked sickly, pale and thin. Her eyes were drawn out and she looked tired, if not exhausted. She was laid down on a black leather sofa in what looked like a seedy bar; a large blond man stood by her side, who looked distinctly vampiric. He was giving her the option of becoming a vampire, his eyes concerned as he looked at her. She looked at him, undecided as to whether she should accept his offer, but she was seriously considering it._

I dropped the book and all eyes in the room turned to watch me. Two seconds later, Edward was knelt in front of me, his once handsome features looking strained, his eyes black from hunger and dark purple shadows underneath his eyes.

"Alice?" he questioned.

I felt relief in hearing him speak for the first time in seven years, but the pain on his face was evident and excruciating. Despite Edward's insistence that I didn't look, I'd had a few visions of Bella over the years since we all left her, but they had been of a happy, carefree Bella. It broke my heart to show Edward a vision of Bella happy with her new boyfriend, but he seemed to accept it. I had often wondered quite what he had said to her to convince her to let him leave, but he would never tell any of us.

But him seeing this was so much worse.

"You saw what I saw. I don't know any more."

He sank down into the floor, his face somehow looking even more broken than usual. I heard Jasper wince from the obvious pain that Edward was submitting.

I looked up to see that Esme and Carlisle had joined us in the living room. "Want to share what you saw?" Carlisle asked softly, his eyes on Edward and obvious concern on his face.

I looked down at Edward. Can I tell them? I thought at him.

He nodded ever so slightly but stayed where he was.

"I take it this is to do with Bella Swan?" Rosalie asked without any care, Edward hissing in pain at the sound of her name, something we'd all avoided doing in his presence.

"It is. I saw a vision of a sickly looking Bella being asked by a vampire whether she wanted to be turned or not. She was seriously considering his offer."

"You are referring to a night-stalker?" Carlisle asked, to which I just nodded. Esme let out a cry and her husband rubbed her neck in comfort.

"Why would she consider that from a night-stalker?" Emmett asked. "Why would she want to be one of them?"

I chanced a glance at Edward who was still in a crumpled heap in front of me. "You said she looked sickly?" Esme asked.

"She did. I've had visions of her since we left, and she always looked healthy, but this time …" Edward let out a sob as I remembered how she looked in my vision; her pale skin looking thin and sallow, with bruises under her dull eyes. She looked like she was very sick, dying almost.

"No!" Edward yelled in agony at my thought.

"I'm sorry," I told him, sinking down onto the floor and wrapping my arms around him. I shot a look at Jasper who was still suffering from the outpouring of Edward's mood.

"You have to stop her!" Emmett shouted at Edward, getting up from his chair and pacing in the centre of the room. "You can't let her become one of them."

All eyes in the room were on Edward, all knowing that it was his decision to make. "I can't …" he stuttered, "if she…"

He started sobbing and Esme came over to hug him from behind. I made eye contact with Jasper to give him permission to leave the room. I didn't blame him for not being able to cope with Edward's emotions, I was struggling myself and I wasn't empathic.

"We have to stop her!" Emmett repeated, and I was grateful that someone was willing to take the initiative. I could see that we were all leaving.

"Where is she?" Carlisle asked.

I studied my vision again and noticed the name of the club. "She is in a bar called Fangtasia."

"Fangtasia?" Rosalie snorted. "That's a ridiculous name."

Emmett was on the computer straight away and searching for the name of the bar. "The only bar called Fangtasia that I can find is in Shreveport, Louisiana. Here, is this the vampire from your vision?"

He passed the laptop to me and I studied the blond vampire on the screen. It was without doubt the one I saw talking to Bella. "Yeah, that's him." I turned to Carlisle as head of our family. "Are we going?" I asked him.

Carlisle sighed unnecessarily. "Edward, do you want us to go?"

Edward's head had been buried in my shoulder and he looked up at Carlisle. "If she dies …,"

"We have to go," I told Carlisle. I was well aware what Edward had planned if anything happened to Bella.

"Fine. Esme, can you ready the plane to fly direct to Shreveport."

"We will need to get there in the dark as it is will be sunny otherwise," I informed them.

"Fine, it will give us time to pack. Emmett, I want you to take Edward hunting. If we are to be among humans he needs to be well fed." Of course, Carlisle was referring to Bella, but we all knew what he meant.

Emmett walked over to us, slapping Edward on the back when he got to where Edward was crumpled up on the floor. "Come on man; let's find you some lion to lunch on." Edward looked wearily up at me before submitting to Emmett's request and following him out of the house.

The rest of us simply looked at each other as Jasper walked back into the room. "I've never felt pain like that before from him, even when he first left her."

Feeling my own pain, Jasper came over and wrapped his arms around me. "What have you seen?"

I looked over to Carlisle. "Edward has already decided that if something happens to Bella he's going to go and see Russell Edgington."

Esme let out a sob and Carlisle comforted her. "I may lose a son over this," he whispered, saying aloud what we were all fearing.

We all knew all too well that the night-stalker and vampire King of Mississippi would be more than willing to end Edward's existence. In fact, he would only need to step foot inside the state to order himself a death warrant.

A lot had changed over the past few years. We had always been aware of the night-stalkers as they were of us, but for the most part, we ignored each other. That was until it was decided that they were going to tell the humans of their existence. The Volturi were hugely against the idea, preferring to remain in secret, but a movement was set in place and as a species, we were deemed too risky to be kept alive.

The vampires' opinion was that as we were venomous, we were a risk to humans and therefore liable to cause their kind trouble. They intended to present the picture that they were not a threat to humans, and since we could not bite a human without killing or turning them, our kind were to be eradicated.

The Volturi went first to go in a show of strength by the night-stalkers, and they somehow managed to eliminate all of our leaders in one night. It was truly a frightening time for all of us, and, luckily, we were staying with the Denali's and therefore had good numbers and isolation to keep us off their radar. Of course, my ability to see what was going to happen also helped a great deal.

We decided to contact the American Vampire League and fight for our freedom, pointing out that we were not a danger to humans since we lived off animal blood, and not one of us had hurt a human for decades. It was put to a vote and passed by a majority in our favour, but Russell Edgington was one of those firmly against us and banned us from entering Mississippi on pain of death.

"Will we make it in time?" Esme asked me.

"We'll get there, but I can't see what the outcome will be. There are too many variables. Edward will be back in an hour, so we must all pack."

The five of us went about readying ourselves for departure. Once I'd packed for Jasper and I, I waited downstairs for Emmett and Edward to return. Edward had jumped straight back into this open window, while Emmett came in to the house the traditional way.

"He's well fed?" I asked him.

"Three lions and four deer. He looks better but he didn't speak a word. Is this going to be okay?"

"I can't tell." Emmett looked pained as he considered the worst.

"Go and shower, I need to speak to Edward."

I ran up the stairs to be greeted by a 'go away' before I even knocked on the door. "Please Edward; I need to speak to you."

I heard him sigh and he opened the door to me. He did look much better, more like his normal self, but his depression was still evident in his eyes and demeanour. He moved aside to let me into his room, something he hadn't allowed in the seven years since we left Forks.

"Please don't do anything stupid, Edward. It will destroy this family if you do." I was hoping his loyalty to us might make him change his mind. I had a feeling it wouldn't, however.

"I haven't been a part of this family for years. I hardly see you. I can't go on like this anymore, and now it's too late."

"But you want to see her?"

He let out a sad smile. "I need to apologise to her. I need to tell her goodbye. I can't do this anymore without her. I can't stay away any longer. And now? Now she's going to die and it's my fault."

"It's not your fault, Edward." I walked over to sit next to him on his black sofa; he remained staring out the open window. "Whatever illness she has cannot be your fault. She would have got it anyway."

"Not if I had done as she asked. She wanted me to change her. She wanted to spend forever with me and I wouldn't allow it. And now she's going to die anyway and it is my fault." He turned to look me, the heartbreak evident on his face. "Alice, please don't make me go on anymore. I just can't do this any longer."

I grasped hold of his hand. "Just promise me you'll see her when we get to Louisiana. Maybe the two of you need to talk?"

"What can I say to her? She deserves so much better than me, but to become one of them?"

His question was left hanging in the air between us. His mind was working at a fast pace as I saw different scenarios play out, but none of them seemed to have a happy ending.

"Go and shower, I'll pack for you."

"Okay," he said as he headed to his bathroom. The old Edward would never have let me pack for him.

I found a small case and started packing what I hoped would be enough changes of clothes to last our trip to Louisiana, although I did not expect us to stay long. As I went through his drawers, I found some photographs of Bella and what looked like a blue t-shirt of hers, which was sealed tightly in a vacuum-packed bag.

"Don't open that!" Edwards hissed as he walked back into the room.

"Oh, Edward, why do you torture yourself with this?"

He grabbed the t-shirt from me and placed it along with the photograph in the bag I'd packed. "It's all I have of her. I only allow myself to open that on her birthday."

I sighed and wrapped my arms around my brother. It was good to actually hear him speak since he had not uttered a word to any one of us since he asked us to leave Forks the day after Bella's eighteenth birthday, but the sadness of his voice was painful.

I left the bag with Edward to finish off packing and went to meet my family downstairs who were all waiting by the door having heard our conversation. I quietly told them what I had seen before Edward came downstairs and joined us.

We'd been staying in Ithaca, New York for the two years since the night-stalkers decided not to end us, so it would be about a three-hour journey to fly to Shreveport. Esme had planned it that we would arrive at first dark, and had hired two large BMWs for us to hire at the other side along with hotel accommodation in a human hotel on the outskirts of the city.

Edward didn't say another word throughout the journey, and from the pain Jasper was getting off of him – despite his best efforts to block him out – it was evident that he was not doing so good.

All of us were anxious about what was going to happen, and we'd always seen Bella as being part of our family, Edward not being the only one to miss her. As expected, we arrived at the small, private airfield in Shreveport as soon as the sun had set and picked up our cars. We'd already found out where the club was and drove as fast as we could. When we arrived, we could smell that Bella had been there, probably the night before, but she was not there at that point. All we could do was wait.

It was about thirty minutes later that a minivan pulled into the parking lot. Emmett and Carlisle had a hold of Edward to stop him from bolting in her direction, and we watched as she was whisked out of the car and into the back of the club by a blonde female vampire.

"So what now?" Rosalie asked, her arms crossing in front of her. "Did that vampire see us?"

"Yes, she knew we were here," I informed them.

"I will approach them alone at first. Under their rules we must notify the Sheriff of the area, and Eric Northman holds that position." Edward let out a growl at Carlisle's words and struggled in his and Emmett's grip. "Son, you must let me approach them alone at first. It will not be good if all seven of us go barging in. I don't want to give him any excuse to kill any of us."

It was true that Queen of Louisiana, Sophie-Anne Le Clerq, wasn't a huge fan of our kind either, and had voted to have us destroyed, but she had not imposed the same restrictions on our kind that her neighbouring king had done so. I took Carlisle's place by Edward and pulled him into my arms while Emmett remained in position to stop him from running.

We watched as Carlisle approached the entrance to the seedy looking club and spoke to the female vampire who had been with Bella earlier. She acknowledged him before saying that she would check with the sheriff.

All we could do was wait.

.

**Bella**

Both Eric and Pam's eyes were on me and I swallowed loudly.

"Who is it?" I asked in a voice not much over a whisper.

"His name is Carlisle Cullen. He wishes to speak to you, assuming that it's okay with you, that is." She turned to Eric and raised an eyebrow.

"Are there … others?"

"Yes, six others from what I could see."

They were all here then. Including him. I could only assume Alice had had a vision about me accepting Eric's offer. Funny how they didn't manage to come when my life was on the line with Laurent and Victoria.

"Bella, if you do not wish to see them I will send them away. Their kind are not very welcome in Louisiana, and if I refuse them entry, they will have to leave. We could drive them towards Mississippi if you wished," he added with a smirk.

"Something you're not telling me?" I asked him.

He gave me a trademark grin. "Just that they would probably come out as a pile of ash."

The very thought made my insides go cold.

"I'd like to see Carlisle," I told her, not acknowledging Eric's comment.

"Are you sure, I can feel your anxiety." Eric was looking at me, his blue eyes blazing on mine.

"I can't deny that I'm nervous about seeing any of them, but I'd like to know why they're here."

"You're not the only one," he said under his breath. I had a feeling I wasn't supposed to hear what he said.

Pam nodded to Eric and left the room. I sat nervously wringing my hands and waiting for the door to open again.

And all too quickly, it did.

Pam opened the door and let Carlisle through, another silent dialogue obviously going on between Eric and Pam until she left the room, no doubt to keep an eye on the rest of the Cullens.

Carlisle looked exactly the same as I had remembered him, except that my memory didn't quite do the beauty of him justice. His eyes were on Eric, and he politely nodded his head to the elder vampire, knowing that Eric's kind were not as touchy-feely as the Cullens.

"Sheriff Northman," he addressed Eric, "I hope you will allow my family and I temporary residence within your area?"

Eric looked thoughtful for a moment and then scowled at Carlisle. However, I knew Eric well enough to know that he wasn't being serious. To his credit, Carlisle never dropped the eye contact.

"I will allow that as long as it is okay with Bella. I am assuming it is her you have come to see."

"You assume correctly. And I thank you for your hospitality."

"Bella hasn't agreed to it yet," Eric hissed.

Carlisle nodded at him once more before turning to face me. "Bella … my child." He walked over to me at a human pace and knelt in front of me. "I am sorry for the way we left you. I am sorry that I never got to say goodbye. I always viewed you as a daughter, I –"

"Don't," I interrupted. "Don't say it."

"I'm sorry." He looked sympathetically at me before he started to appraise me with his doctor's eye. And nose. "Bella … your blood!" He looked alarmed, horrified, almost. "You have leukaemia?"

"He's good," Eric commented. He was stood leaning on his desk, his long legs crossed in front of him.

"I work as a doctor," Carlisle clarified.

"And you can deal with the blood? I was always under the assumption that you were blood-thirsty and unable to resist." The venom was evident in Eric's tone.

"I have never tasted human blood except for those I have changed," Carlisle informed him. "And I've spent centuries building up my control."

Eric looked almost impressed at his admission. "You don't know what you're missing."

"I can't say I've never craved human blood, but it is different for my kind. You have the luxury of being able to taste without infecting a human." He turned back to face me. "You seem well in yourself …"

"I wasn't. Eric took me to see a doctor yesterday who told me about the cancer." I hated using the 'c' word, but it was the truth. "He gave me his blood to help me feel better." Carlisle had a horrified look on his face as I told him that. "But until yesterday I could hardly get out of bed. I assumed I had the flu or something."

"I'm so sorry, Bella."

"Why? No one could have prevented this. I guess shit happens." I met Carlisle's amber eyes. "Why are you here? … I mean, why now?"

"Alice had a vision of your being offered the choice to be changed into a vampire."

"Vision?" Eric interjected.

"My daughter has the gift of precognition."

Eric's eyebrows shot up into his forehead. "That's a useful skill to have." I could almost see Eric's mind working at some way that he could take advantage of Alice's gifts.

"Eric has given me that offer and I have accepted."

Carlisle shut his eyes, a look of pain on his handsome face. When he reopened them, I could see the worry in them. "Bella, it is not the only option you have."

"What?" I queried.

"I will change you. If you want, that is."

Seven years ago, it was all I had ever wanted. Now? I really didn't know what to think, yet alone do.

"Carlisle, you can't do that," I eventually told him. "It's not what Edward would want."

He frowned at me. "Bella, I do not know Edward's opinion on this, but I know he would not want you to die. I am giving you a choice of what to become."

I was almost annoyed. Only ten minutes ago, I had made up my mind to become like Eric. And now Carlisle was offering me this. But I could hardly accept when Edward wouldn't want anything to do with me.

"Carlisle, I have already made a decision. I will let Eric turn me."

A look of pain crossed his handsome features and he bowed his head. Only a few seconds later, the door to Eric's office burst open and the remaining Cullens piled through the door.

Eric was instantly on guard, and Pam, Thalia, Felicia and Longshadow followed them into the room, fangs down and defensive positions assumed. All twelve vampires were growling at each other and I didn't need Alice's ability to envision a bloodbath.

"Stop it!" I yelled. "All of you, stop it!" I turned to Eric as the authority in the room. "Eric, the Cullens are not going to hurt me."

Eric shot me a look. "I do not appreciate vampires bursting into my office."

"I am sorry for the behaviour of my family, Sheriff," Carlisle said, bowing his head slightly to Eric in a sign of respect. "No one means anyone any harm, I assure you of that."

Eric scowled, briefly, before telling Thalia, Felicia and Longshadow that they were no longer required. Pam went to stand next to her maker.

"What?" she asked when Eric looked at her. "I'm not going anywhere. And the blonde is hot"

I almost laughed aloud at Pam's comment towards Rosalie.

Everyone in the room appeared to relax slightly as Eric resumed his position perched on the edge of his desk, Pam next to him, looking every bit his progeny. I turned to look at the Cullens, relishing their beauty for the first time in seven years. I met all eyes except Edward's. I just didn't think I was strong enough for that at that point.

"So can I ask why you feel the need to burst into my office?" Eric asked, his muscled arms crossed across his chest.

"I'm not going to let my little sister become one of you," Emmett hissed at Eric.

"She has been given a choice, and she had chosen that I change her."

"Why?" Emmett directed at me, "what's wrong with you that you're making this decision?"

I looked over to Emmett to give him the news. "I have leukaemia. And probably only a few days left to live."

I heard a heart-wrenching cry come from Edward's direction, but I could not turn to face him. Out of the corner of my eye I watched Edward sink to his knees and Alice went to comfort him. Jasper's expression was pained. How did this get so complicated?

"Bella," Carlisle said softly from beside me. "I know you've told me that you have made up your mind, but I want to give you another option. I would like nothing more than for you to join us."

I was confused as to why Carlisle would want this, when his son was so opposed to me even being in contact with them. "I thank you for your offer, but I could not."

Esme whimpered at my refusal and Alice gasped.

But it was Rosalie that spoke up. "How can you be so selfish? Do you know what this will do to my brother? All I want is to have my brother back. He has been miserable for seven years and hasn't spoken a fucking word since we left Forks. And now he's going to kill himself if you do something stupid."

"Rosalie!" Carlisle scolded.

"What? Alice said that what he's planning."

Edward was planning on killing himself? I was fairly sure that my heart stuttered at that news and a sense of dread and foreboding filled over me. The void within me that I had worked so hard at healing over the years was threatening to consume me whole.

I could keep my eyes away from him no longer, and I turned my whole body in his direction to see Alice helping him up off the floor. My eyes first landed on his long legs that were encased in dark-blue denim jeans. On top of his jeans, a green t-shirt that hid his lean body and was by no means tight enough for my liking. His pale, muscled arms crossed defensively over his strong chest. His long, beautiful neck, strong and chiselled jaw, perfect cheekbones and nose.

And then finally his eyes.

As I took him in, I was again shocked at his beauty, my memory by no means doing him justice. His eyes were a liquid topaz to show that he had recently fed, but I could see pain in his handsome features. A shadow somehow behind his eyes.

"Bella," he whispered as our eyes met.

"Please don't do anything stupid," I told him.

He gave half a smile, his lips raising at the side of his perfect mouth. "I seem to remember saying something similar to you."

I shut my eyes to block out the memory of that day in the woods. The day that had changed my life forever.

"I don't even know why you'd consider it. What does it matter whether I'm a vampire now? What does it matter if I'm dead?" His beautiful features contorted in pain as I challenged him. I could feel my resolve weakening by the second, but I was determined to stay strong. "You're the one that left, Edward. You didn't want me, remember?"

"I never not wanted you. I left to protect you. I left to keep you safe from everything I was."

"Are you fucking serious?" I hissed. Edward's face appeared shocked at my comment. "And what, you come back now that I'm dying? What do you want? What are doing here?"

"I … I can't watch you become one of them."

"So what would you have me do?" I challenged.

"Let Carlisle change you."

"You have got to be fucking kidding me?" I yelled. "You were so against that seven years ago, and now all of a sudden you want me to be like you?"

"Yes."

I scowled at him. "Do you have any idea what you did to me back then? I was broken for years. I would have given anything for you to come back. You assumed I could forget you? You were wrong, Edward, so very wrong."

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "You believed me so easily. You gave up on me."

What the fuck did he mean by that? "I gave up on you? You're kidding, right? I never stopped fucking loving you. I wished every fucking day that you would come back for me. You completely spoiled me for anyone else. I tried to have a normal relationship and life, but I could not."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. I realised that I had admitted that I still loved him. It was certainly not the way I had envisaged telling him, but I'd said it nonetheless.

"I meant that you believed me so easily when I said I didn't want you," he told me softly, "I lied."

A bolt of searing pain shot through me and both Jasper and Eric turned to stare at me. I took a moment to compose myself before speaking again.

"I never thought I was good enough for you," I whispered in a low voice, knowing that all the vampires in the room would easily hear me.

"Bella," he said, taking a tentative step towards my position on the sofa. "You were always too good for me. I never deserved you. You were so pure and innocent. I couldn't take that away from you. I left to keep you safe from everything that could harm you in my world."

His eyes pleaded with mine to believe him, and I had no reason not to. But his logic was so fundamentally flawed. He had destroyed me so much worse by leaving than he ever would have done if he had stayed.

"You reckon?" I asked him, my voice sounding strong again.

"I know so."

"No, Edward, you don't." He looked pained again as he met my glare. "It's funny how you come running now, but where were you when Laurent attacked me?" There was a collective gasp from the Cullens, but I continued nevertheless, my voice turning cold. "But then Laurent wasn't really the problem. Victoria was the one who had raised an army of new-borns to avenge James' death."

They all froze and stared at me. "How?" Jasper asked. "How did you survive?"

I turned to look at him, his amber eyes shocked at my revelation. I gave him a warm smile, hoping that he knew I never blamed him for what happened.

"I wouldn't have if it wasn't for the wolves."

Again, all seven Cullens gasped, although this time it was accompanied by a snort from Pam. I turned to her and raised an eyebrow in a look I'd probably adopted from her and Eric.

"Seriously," she interjected, "this is better than an episode of Oprah. It's like the vampire special that she should so definitely do."

I couldn't help but role my eyes at Pam's inappropriate comment, but she'd managed to unintentionally lighten the mood in the room.

"Wolves?" Carlisle asked.

"Yes. You know which ones." I was aware that Carlisle had met with Jacob's ancestor many years before to draw up their treaty. "Jacob Black is a good friend of mine."

My comment was met with a growl from Edward.

"You don't get to growl about that. If it hadn't been for him and the rest of the pack I would have been dead years ago. Instead of dying now," I added unnecessarily.

Edward dropped to his knees again and buried his hands in his hair. I had an overwhelming urge to comfort him, but fought back my emotions. Instead, I shut my own eyes and sank back into the sofa. I suddenly realised how exhausted I felt. All the emotions were beginning to take their toll on me and I felt weak and tired.

"Bella?" Eric asked.

"I'm fine," I lied, my eyes still tightly shut. "I just feel exhausted, is all."

Carlisle approached me and placed a cool hand on my head. The coolness of his skin was very welcome. "Bella, you're running a fever." I opened my eyes to see Carlisle's handsome face stricken with worry. "You're very sick, Bella. You should take it easy." I noticed him shooting Edward a look, heartbreak on Edward's handsome features.

"She needs more of my blood." Eric commented before turning to address Carlisle. "Restrain _him_." He nodded his head towards Edward as he said so.

"Bella, you want to take his blood?" Carlisle queried.

I didn't really know what to do. Edward and his family turning up now had completely thrown a spanner in the works. I knew what I was going to do, having decided to let Eric turn me instead of facing death, but now I was doubting my decision and I was completely indecisive.

"I need more time," I admitted looking up at Eric. "I don't know what to do."

"I can feel your indecisiveness. I would never force you to become vampire," he said, not bothering to highlight the distinction between him and the Cullens. "But know that their kind do not have the freedom we do. You would be bloodthirsty and unable to be around humans for years. Is that what you want?"

I gave Eric a slight smile. I was more than aware of my restraints should I let Carlisle change me, but then that wasn't the biggest issue. Edward was.

"I'll take the blood." Edward again howled from behind me, and Emmett and Carlisle were on him, keeping him pinned to the ground. I turned to him, my eyes meeting his. "Edward, it's this or I die. I need longer to make a decision. I need longer to talk to you."

He shut his eyes and crumpled in Carlisle's arms. He looked truly defeated.

I tried to quell the pain in my chest and gave a small smile to Eric who bit his arm and offered it to me. I latched on instantly, pleased that he wasn't insisting on us being in the same position as he had been the first time he gave me his blood. After a couple of gulps his wound began to heal and I pulled back from him and saw that his face was one of pure bliss.

I didn't want to see what Edward's expression was.

"You feel … better?" Alice asked hesitantly.

"That's good stuff. They should bottle it and sell it on the market." I was trying to joke but noticed Pam raising an eyebrow at me.

"Humans are trying. Vampire blood, or 'V', can be quite addictive to some. Only a small amount is enough to increase human sex drive tenfold."

I could have done without Pam saying that. Eric was simply smirking at me.

"There are already reports of humans becoming addicted to our blood. It trades on the black market at a very high price, and the older the vampire the better the blood. You've probably had a few thousand dollars' worth."

"But … I …," I stuttered.

"It won't affect you in that way because you need healing in other ways."

"Okay."

Eric raised his eyes to the rest of the Cullens. "So what now?" he asked, his eyes dropping back to me.

"I need to think," I told him. "I need to talk to Edward."

"We have booked a few suites in a hotel on the edge of the city. You can talk there." I looked over to Alice and gave her a small smile. She'd obviously seen that Edward and I had much to talk about.

"Sure."

I looked back up at Eric who gave me a smile. "You're alright with that?" I nodded. "Come back here tomorrow evening, we'll talk further." I agreed to his request and he looked up to address Carlisle as leader of the Cullens. "Don't go outside in the daylight. And if you need to hunt, the area around Lake Bistineau is probably your best bet for … wildlife." Eric was smirking as he referred to the Cullens' diet, one he had stated was disgusting on more than one occasion.

"Thank you Sheriff, but we are all well fed so should not need to hunt your wildlife. We will be back here at first dark tomorrow evening."

He nodded to Eric, who returned the gesture and then extended a hand to me. I accepted the gesture and stood up, my whole body feeling stronger following the second lot of Eric's blood. In fact, if anything, I felt better than the first time I had it. I could see easily how a human could become addicted.

"See you tomorrow, Eric, Pam." I gave them both a small smile as Carlisle led me out of the office.

I noticed Pam giving Rosalie the once over as she left and was fairly certain I heard Emmett mutter a 'so hot' under his breath for which he earned a thump from his wife. Pam simply grinned at me as she led us all to the back entrance of the bar to avoid the revellers who were already arriving at the club.

Alice led me to the back seat of one of the large black BMWs they'd obviously hired. Alice got in next to me, Esme in the front seat and Jasper driving. The remaining boys and Rosalie drove in the other car. It was plainly obvious that I was being kept separate from Edward. Or was it Edward being kept away from me. Of that, I could not be sure.

"Bella," Alice started in a soft voice as soon as we were moving, "I need to apologise to you. You were the best friend I've ever had and I …" She stopped herself, and I could see the emotion in her eyes.

"It'd not your fault, Alice. I would have expected you to go with him. You're all family, and I know that comes first."

"It shouldn't have," she almost wailed. "I never even got to say goodbye to you."

"That would have been nice," I admitted.

"I know. And I should never have listened to my stupid, pig-headed brother. I warned him so many times that it was not the best for either of you, but he wouldn't listen to me. He never even told us what he said to you, he just …" She turned away to look out of the window as the city lights sped past.

"What?" I prompted.

She turned to look back at me. "He wouldn't tell us anything, we kept pressuring him to speak to us and in the end he took off."

"What do you mean?" I asked with horror.

"He disappeared. We managed to track him down to Brazil, but he could always hear us coming and he stayed ahead of us. After that we received a text message or email once every couple of months, but he stayed away from us."

"But he came home to you?"

"Yes, after about eighteen months he did. But he still wouldn't speak. I was probably the only one he even acknowledged, and we used to have one-sided conversations where I'd think something at him and the most I'd get would be a nod or shake of his head."

"I don't understand," I confessed. "Why? What was wrong with him?"

"He was completely broken." It was Jasper who spoke up from the front seat of the car. "It's been a struggle for me to be near him in the years since he's been at home. "This past day since Alice had her vision … almost unbearable. I've avoided him as much as I can, even leaving the house when I had to."

"I still don't understand. Why, if he's even a fraction as hurt as you say he is, why did he leave me?"

"Edward needs to be the one to explain that to you," I sank back into the leather of the car seat. "I can feel your frustration, and I'm sorry that I can't explain this to you, but it needs to come from him. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"I'm getting so much off you it's hard to get a grip on your emotions."

"Sorry," I whispered. Sometimes I forgot how hard things must be for Jasper.

"Don't worry about it. I just wanted to know, do you still love him?"

"Yes," I answered without hesitation. But it was still with a heavy heart. Edward had hurt me so badly and now to come back and say that he left me for my own good? And to hear from Alice and Jasper how broken he was while I was away, that he refused to even speak to his family?

I was so confused.

"Does he love me?" I asked Jasper.

He turned and gave me a small smile while we were stopped at a stop sign. "I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but underneath all his other emotions, his love for you has never wavered."

I wanted to question Jasper further, but we were pulling into an underground parking lot that obviously belonged to the hotel where the Cullens were staying. I noticed the identical black BMW behind us and Edward sprang out of the car almost before it had stopped. Carlisle got out of the driver's side moments afterwards and placed a hand on Edward's shoulder, obviously silently telling him something.

I swallowed loudly and got out of the car when Esme opened it for me. I thanked her by giving her a hug.

"I'm so sorry, sweetie," she told me, her warm golden eyes matching the tones in her hair.

"It's okay," I told her before her and Alice each grabbed one of my elbows and led me to the elevator. As before, Edward and I rode separately.

"You know, if we plan on talking to each other we're going to have to be in the same room as each other."

"I know, Bella," Alice told me, "we just don't want you to feel uncomfortable with him around."

I swallowed loudly. "I know, but I need to do this, I need to speak to him alone."

"I hate being so blind. I really can't see what decision you're going to make."

"Damn, I was hoping you could help me out with that one!"

"Sorry." She gave me a small smile.

We exited the elevators at the very top of the hotel where the penthouse suite was located, all eight of us standing in the hallway seemingly staring at each other.

"Bella," Carlisle said, taking his hand off Edward's shoulder and approaching me. "Whatever happens between you two, know that my offer still stands. We will find a way to work things out if necessary." He shot a glance at Edward and I couldn't help at feeling guilty that he seemed to be suggesting that my turning would force Edward out of his home.

Esme opened the door to the suite and flicked the lights on inside. "We have another room a few floors down, if you need anything…" She trailed off and looked between Edward and I.

"I know, thank you."

I looked over at him to see that he was leaning against the wall with his eyes shut. Somehow feeling my gaze he opened them and met my eyes. I gave him a half smile as the other Cullens left us and I walked into the room, Edward closely behind me.

* * *

_Sorry, I always have been evil with cliffhangers..._

_Next chapter, will probably be after Christmas - have a good one._

.

_Okay?_


	3. Chapter 3

_Okay, so the talk..._

* * *

"So."

"Yeah."

I'd sat down on the sofa of the suite the Cullens had rented and looked around taking in my surroundings. The suite was huge with four large leather sofas dominating the shared area of the suite, a fireplace on one wall, a piano, coffee table and dining table to name but a few of the features. Along the outskirts were at least four doors – two on either side of the room – that I assumed were the bedrooms. It was good to see that they still had their taste for opulence – certainly, nothing had changed there.

I looked down at my hands and picked at my nails, fidgeting slightly in my seat. For some reason being near Edward again made me feel like the nervous teenager I'd been the last time I'd seen him, rather than the twenty-five year old woman I now was.

I sighed and looked up to see Edward stood inhumanly still and leaning against the wall. He looked like a perfect statue or mannequin model – painstakingly beautiful and looking like the real-life GQ model, he could be.

Except that I could see the pain in his eyes as he looked at me.

"You and Northman …" he started, letting the sentence hang in the air between.

"Are friends." I completed, not quite sure what he was getting at.

"Really?" he asked, obviously not believing me and raising an eyebrow.

"Yes." I affirmed, resolutely. "I just … I always got on with him and Pam right from when we first met. I'm not saying that he hasn't tried it on," I added somewhat cruelly, "but I've always said no. He's just a friend." I paused to see a quick glimpse of relief of his face before I continued. "I think they liked the fact that I didn't treat them any different to anyone else or like a freak show, and I always feel comfortable around vampires."

"You always did."

"I suppose so."

There was another pause between us, neither one of us moving accept for my breathing.

"You didn't ask …" I started, feeling nervous about asking him the question. "Alice never …," I took another deep breath to try to get out what I was trying to say. "You asked Alice not to look for me?"

Edward shut his eyes and grimaced slightly, completely giving away the fact that he obviously had asked her to do just that.

"I didn't … I wanted us to leave you alone." His eyes were pleading with me to believe him. "But I don't understand why she didn't see what happened with Laurent and Victoria … she should have seen that happening … you were in danger, she should have seen it." He pinched the bridge of his nose, a nervous tick of his I'd never particularly liked. "It was my fault."

He hung his head in sorrow and I waited for him to look back up before I began speaking again. "I should have known what to expect when I got involved with vampires." I gave him a rueful smile. "You always warned me that you were dangerous, but that never bothered me. You warned me that there were others out there, and no one could have predicted what happened with Laurent and Victoria. Not even Alice, it seems."

"But I left for that exact reason, Bella. I left to keep you safe from my world; from vampires. And I failed you. You could have been killed, and I hurt you so much. I'm so sorry, Bella."

I didn't acknowledge his apology as I wasn't ready to forgive him. "You wanted me to move on, to forget you. You wanted me to carry on living," he nodded as I stared at him. "Why didn't you do the same?"

He looked surprised by my question. "How could I? I could never forget anything about you. Every second that we spent together will be forever etched on my memory. Your scent … It has always only been you."

"Why leave then?" I asked, my voice louder than before and sounding exasperated. "Why put yourself – and your family – through such misery? Rosalie said you hadn't spoken since you left Forks?"

"That's right," he whispered.

"Why?" I got up from the sofa and started pacing around the room. "I just can't work out whether you were being selfish in assuming what was best for me, or stupidly selfless in putting yourself through such misery for something that neither one of us wanted."

Edward watched me as I continued to pace the room.

"How did you know that I hadn't killed myself when you left?"

"Don't," Edward's handsome face contorted in pain at my suggestion.

"How did you know that even now I wasn't miserable and missing you?"

I went to sit back down in my original spot and waited for his answer.

"I had faith in you that you wouldn't do anything to hurt Charlie," he told me, and he was right. I certainly had considered doing something drastic on many an occasion, but I wasn't that selfish. "Then later … I asked Alice to look for you, to see how you were doing."

I was shocked at his confession, but remained silent.

"It was four years after we left Forks that I finally found the courage to want her to look for you." He shut his eyes momentarily, before continuing. "Alice saw that you were living somewhere sunny – we'd always assumed it was Phoenix or Florida with your mom – though I guess it was here." I nodded. "She saw …" I had a bad feeling I knew what Alice had seen. "She saw that you had a boyfriend."

I could see the internal battle raging within Edward, part of him not wanting to accept that I had moved on and part of him knowing that it was what he had wanted.

"I did."

"Past tense?"

"We split up around a year ago." He looked momentarily relieved before he regained control of his face.

"Why?"

"He wasn't you."

Edward froze at my confession. "I ruined that for you as well?"

"What?" I yelled, completely confused by his words but also angry that he managed to blame even my break-up with Oliver on himself. "Stop with the self-loathing! Edward, I don't blame you for my failed relationship with Oliver. It … I couldn't be who he wanted me to be and it wasn't fair on him to carry on being his girlfriend when I couldn't give him everything he needed, everything he deserved."

"But why couldn't you?" he asked me softly.

"Because I still loved you."

"And I still love you," he said, finally moving away from the wall and taking a step towards me.

"No. You don't get to tell me that and make it all better. You left me, Edward. You left me alone with no one. And now I find out that you've been miserable for the whole time as well, that you haven't spoken a word to anyone since you left Forks? They are your family, Edward, they care about you, and they deserved to be treated better than that." I hung my head and took a deep breath. "I deserved better than that."

I finally gave into my tears and collapsed back into the sofa. Edward remained frozen in his spot in the middle of the room.

"You're right," he finally said after we'd both been quiet for a few minutes and I'd regained control of my emotions. "You did deserve better than that, and so did my family. And I have felt so guilty and remorseful for the last two thousand, seven hundred an twelve days since I last saw you. I am so sorry I hurt you Bella, and if you give me the chance I will spend the rest of my existence making it up to you."

The look in his eyes was so heartfelt and pained. I could see the truth in his eyes, and when comparing it to his eyes the day he left me, I knew that this was the absolute truth. In hearing from Edward that he had lied to me that day in the woods, I realised that I had seen the struggle in his eyes even then, but I'd been too willing to believe his words instead of his actions. Too ready to believe that I never was good enough for him.

There was something I needed to know.

"If I … if I let Eric turn me and I became like him, would it mean I couldn't see you?"

"Apart from the fact that Eric would have absolute control over you as your maker, our kinds do not mix."

"I heard that some states are against your kind."

He smiled a rueful smile. "That's putting it nicely. For the most part, the northern states are more tolerant than the southern states, which is good for us considering the north has more cloud cover."

"Mississippi?"

"We're not allowed entrance into the state. Even with Louisiana, if the sheriff didn't want us here he could easily have sentenced us all to death."

I gasped at his confession. "But you came … all of you?"

"How could I not? But Bella, even if Eric did allow you to see me, our kinds are not compatible."

"Why? I mean, I understand the whole daylight thing, that I would be asleep during the day."

"It's more than that. And it's another of the reasons that the night-stalkers were so keen to get rid of our kind. Our venom … it's lethal to their kind. Worse than silver. It's a secret we will keep, but if anyone found out how lethal it could be it could be used as a weapon against them. It would mean I couldn't kiss you, I couldn't …"

He had stopped himself, but I wanted to know what he was going to say. "You couldn't what?" I asked, searching his eyes as he briefly looked away.

"I wouldn't be able to make love to you, Bella."

I was certain he could have knocked me over with a feather. Even hearing those words from him? It was presumptuous of him to assume we ever would be at that stage again, but he had never seemed to have taken an interest in sex before.

I realised suddenly that in his frozen seventeen-year-old form I was more experienced in that department than he was.

"Oh."

"Please don't choose that option." He pleaded with me, his eyes searching mine in seeming frustration that he couldn't hear my thoughts. "If it made you uncomfortable that I was around, I could leave. The rest of my family have always considered you as one of their own."

"But so are you," I protested, not liking the sound of me forcing Edward out of his own home. "Where would you go?"

"We have 'cousins' up in Denali, Alaska. They would be more than happy for me to stay with them."

"But I couldn't force you out of your own home like that."

"I would much prefer that than the alternative."

"Which is? What would you do if I did let Eric turn me?"

He ran a hand through his hair and pulled at it, his eyes expressing pain and fear at my question. I had a feeling I wasn't going to like his answer.

"I would consider it the same way as if you were dead." His voice was but a whisper.

I thought back to Rosalie's words the day before. Would he really kill himself if I died or allowed Eric to turn me?

"No! You can't do that!"

"I would have no option. I cannot go on without you in the world."

"Don't be ridiculous! Even if I lived a long and happy life as a human I was always going to die of something!"

He gave me a small smile. "I would never have been long behind you."

"No," I muttered to myself as I curled up into a ball on the sofa. "You're not giving me an option here."

"I am, Bella, it's still your decision to make."

"No, you're not! You're saying that if I don't choose to become like you, you're going to kill yourself."

I glared at him until he nodded, confirming my accusation.

"So I don't have a choice but to let Carlisle turn me."

He looked genuinely confused. "You do, if you let Eric turn you …"

"You're not listening to me, Edward! You think that I want to be in a world where you're not? You think that I could live with myself knowing that my actions in becoming like Eric would lead to your death?"

My tears were streaming down my face, and Edward was suddenly at my knees, a box of Kleenex in his hand for me to dry my tears.

"I couldn't do that," I told him. "I couldn't live with myself."

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm yet again selfishly forcing your hand. Please know that I don't want to have to give you that choice."

"But you're not going to change your mind."

"No."

He was literally only inches away from me and the urge to touch him was so strong. I wanted, no needed to feel his cool touch on my skin. But I knew that if I submitted to my desires to touch him my resolve would no doubt fail me.

I took a Kleenex from the box in his hand, careful not to touch his skin and dried my eyes, trying desperately to try to control my breathing. Once I'd managed to stop crying I looked up to see Edward knelt in the same position he'd been in with a look of concern on his face.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I never meant to cause you such pain."

In reality, I knew that he didn't, but the thought of him committing suicide if anything ever happened to me was painful. But in all honesty, it made my decision easier. It meant that I was going to take up Carlisle's offer to turn me.

I was more than aware that any kind of future for Edward and I was very much up in the air, but even if I never saw him again, I knew that I couldn't live with myself if my decision meant that my actions caused his death.

"You can sit down, you know. This is your suite."

He looked slightly startled for a brief moment before joining me on the sofa, albeit sat at the other end. I turned my body towards him before I really realised what I had done.

"This is okay?"

"It's fine. Although are you okay? I mean, with my blood…" It had only just occurred to me that from being away from me for seven and a half years my blood was likely to be temptation for him.

The corners of his lips curled up at my question. "It's not like the first time I met you, and although I haven't seen you for so long your scent is engrained on my memory." His smile dropped and he looked regretful and pained. "And I can smell the cancer, it tarnishes your scent."

I hadn't thought about that. "Eric told me that I smelled disgusting to him when he first discovered me with the disease."

"I can smell his blood in you as well. Their kind have a different smell to us, more earthy and dry. You don't smell like you used to."

He looked regretful at his own statement and fidgeted slightly in a move which seemed very un-vampire-like. He was staring down at his hands when he started to speak.

"Bella," he started, "I want … I'd like for you to tell me what happened when I left."

I hadn't expected him to ask that. "To me? You want to know what I did?"

"Not just what you did, but … what you felt. I need to know, Bella, I need to know what my leaving did to you." He raised his eyes to look at me and I could see the grief and pain on his face. "Please don't spare me any details; I want to know the truth."

I nodded once, but my mouth suddenly felt bone dry like it was made of sandpaper. "I could do with a drink of water," I started, and almost before I'd finished my sentence, Edward had placed a bottle on the coffee table in front of me. "Thank you," I told him, smiling briefly before opening and draining half the bottle.

"After you left … well, immediately after I tried to follow you. I didn't want to believe what you had said. I ended up getting lost in the forest, I think I must have walked for hours but for all I knew I could have been walking in circles. I kept on tripping and stumbling. Eventually I just stayed down. It started to rain … but I couldn't move. I felt numb … I didn't want to acknowledge the truth."

A tear slipped down my cheek and I wiped it away with another paper tissue. I was staring at the leather sofa in between us, completely unable to look at the expression on his face. "Later on in the night I was found by Sam Uley. He was the first of the wolves to change and became the Alpha until Jacob took his rightful position. He carried me back to my dad and … Dr Gerandy was there. I was told Carlisle had taken a transfer to L.A. Of course I knew that wasn't true, but it confirmed that you all had left."

I looked up at him and saw the heartbreak on his face. "I was a zombie for months. I went to school, did my homework, and ate a little, slept, but not much else. Even my dreams weren't peaceful – I'd get night terrors. Charlie used to find me screaming in bed when I woke from some bad dream or other. In the end, he threatened to send me to live with Renee in Jacksonville, but I couldn't leave Forks. What if you had come back and I wasn't there?

"Eventually I started to come out of my shell, I started to force myself to be sociable. Jake became a close friend and was rebuilding these motorbikes…" I wasn't sure whether to tell Edward this or not, but he had claimed he wanted to know it all. "And once they were built he tried to teach me to ride them." I smiled at the memory of how elated I had felt when I heard his voice in my head. "I went off too fast, but I could hear you." I looked up and met his eyes. "I could hear your voice telling me to not be so reckless, to be careful."

"You could have killed yourself," the real Edward scolded.

"I know, but once I heard your voice … I heard it again when Laurent attacked, you were telling me what to do, urging caution. After that I started to try and do things that I knew would cause my delusion."

"Bella!" Edward groaned, and I felt bad for admitting as much I had done. "I asked you not to do anything stupid!"

"You weren't there to stop me!" I hissed back at him.

"I'm sorry. I just… hearing this is very hard." I noticed that his eye colour had changed from the previous amber to a darker black that showed he was not in a good place.

"You asked."

"I know, I just … I always hoped you wouldn't have done anything like this." He took a minute or so to calm himself down, his eyes shut as he did so. "What else?"

I decided to skip the incident with the men in Port Angeles. "I went cliff diving. It was something I'd seen the La Push boys do before, and I'd asked Jake to take me. But I went alone, and it was stormy…"

Edward shut his eyes once more as he grimaced.

"… I jumped, not really thinking about the water. I heard you so clearly, you were yelling at me not to give up. But I didn't want to fight anymore. I saw you. In my delusion, I saw you in the water with me. You were so angry." I smiled at the memory but didn't look at Edward. I could almost feel the rage coming off him. "I was so happy, I thought I was dying and you were the last thing I was going to see. The current caught me and I hit my head on a rock. My last thought was that I loved you."

I looked up to see Edward's eyes full of tears he could not shed. "I'm so sorry," he stuttered.

"Don't be. That delusion … I knew it wasn't real, but I craved it. I craved your voice. You."

"What happened?" he asked after a minute of silence.

"Jacob saw me jump. He pulled me out of the water and brought me back."

"I owe him such gratitude," he muttered quietly to himself.

"That same day Harry Clearwater had died … my dad … he was so upset at his death that Jacob never told anyone. I was selfish; if I had died that day, it probably would have killed my dad … to lose his friend and daughter. After that, I tried to carry on living. But Victoria, she had other ideas. It was later on in the summer that she attacked. She'd been building an army of new-borns and had been scoping the area."

"What did she want?" he asked with a growl.

"Me. Someone had taken clothes and a pillowcase from my room. They were familiarising the new-borns with my scent." Edward growled once more and sank his head in his hands, almost as if he didn't want to hear what I was telling him. "She wanted revenge on you for killing James." I told him and he looked up with angry eyes. "She wanted to kill me. She thought I was your mate."

It hurt to say that, to remember how I felt when I had known that she was not even right in saying that.

"I'm so sorry I put you through that." He hadn't acknowledged the comment about his mate and I didn't blame him to some extent.

"It wasn't your fault."

"It was."

There seemed little point arguing with him considering it was irrelevant.

"I don't quite know how we did manage to defeat her, certainly a good amount of luck played in our favour. The wolves managed to trap her and kill her. Some of the new-borns ran off, others were killed by the wolves." I took a deep breath before continuing. "After that I went to college in Seattle … I always hoped you would return so didn't want to be too far away. But you never did.

"Charlie had found out about vampires and werewolves when Victoria attacked, and started a relationship with Sue Clearwater a year or so after her husband had died. He married her about three years ago. It was my now-stepbrother Seth that let slip about you being a vampire. Charlie exploded at me, called me reckless and irresponsible." I smiled as I remembered that phone conversation – he had been livid. "I even found myself defending you guys to him. He said that it was good you had gone away, which hurt so much. After that, Charlie and I never seemed to get along so well and soon after I realised that I needed to get away from Washington. LSU Shreveport did a similar course to my one in Seattle, so I moved there."

Edward gave me a pained look. "My leaving changed so much… I should have been there for you. I only wanted to protect you from my kind, I wanted for you to have a normal, safe life. I failed you. I have hurt you and exposed you to such danger. I have ruined the relationship with your family, forced you to move across the country…"

"Remember what I said about the self-loathing?" I teased, but meaning it all so seriously. "Please don't blame yourself for everything that has happened. Victoria would have attacked anyway."

"Yes, but it should have been my family and I to get rid of her, not the wolves. You could have been killed."

"I wasn't," I stated, pointing out the obvious. "What has happened has happened. There are no words that can change the past." I shifted in my seat, turning myself further towards him. "Tell me, what about you? What did you do?"

"How much do you know?"

"Alice told me that you went to Brazil and that you were gone for eighteen months."

He ran his hand through his already messy hair. "I couldn't stay with them. I know they didn't mean to, but they'd think of you often … I couldn't do it, I couldn't live with what I'd done. I had to be alone. I knew I was hurting them in leaving – Esme and Alice in particular – but I couldn't stay. I stopped feeding … I found that I wasn't so lucid when I went unfed. I was almost able to forget … but I never could, not completely.

"I went back to them eventually, but I still refused to feed often. I never gave in to my hunger… it was something I could control. I guess I was an anorexic vampire," he joked spitefully. "I've not been in a good place, Bella. The others … they went to school, lived as we had before, but I refused. I stayed in my room, I went weeks without seeing them and I was living in the same house."

"What did you do?"

"I thought of you, mostly. I'd relive every memory I had of you, playing it in a constant loop in my mind. You filled my every thought, and I couldn't allow for other distractions. Until Alice had her vision, I hadn't interacted with my family for years."

"They must have been worried about you! How could you do that to them!"

"It wasn't intentional. They knew where I was. It hurt so much to be near any of them. I could hear the pity in their minds, the judgement they gave me even though they didn't mean to. I knew they blamed me for my own plight, and they were quite right to. Everything is my fault. I ruined not only their lives, but yours as well."

"You didn't ruin my life," I told him, honestly. "You may have left me, but the time we did have? I would never have given that up."

He gave me a small smile before continuing. "There have been dark times when I've wondered whether it would have better if I never met you. Should I have stayed away? Should I have stayed in Alaska after that first day in biology? I have wondered whether it would have been better if I never had put you through any of the misery and trauma I have caused you."

"No!" I yelled at him, leaning forward and grabbing his icy hand in mine. "Do not say that. If it was this way or never having anything with you, I would choose this way every time."

I looked down at our interlocked hands. The second our skin touched, I felt that familiar pull towards him. It felt so unbelievably right to touch him. I felt complete for the first time in seven and half years. I realised how desperate I was to touch more of him, to pull him close to me, to kiss him.

But I couldn't.

There were still so many issues stopping me. So I let go of his hand and retreated back to my own side of the sofa. He seemed to miss the skin-on-skin contact as much as I did.

"Tell me about your life in Shreveport," he eventually asked in an attempt to lighten the mood in the room.

I did as he asked, telling him about college and my roommate Nicole. I tried to gloss over my relationship with Oliver, but he asked many questions and I ended up telling him everything. He asked about what I thought when the vampires came out of the coffin, how I met Eric and Pam and my subsequent friendship with them.

I felt like I shared a lot with him, and it felt right to be telling him. But I couldn't help but feel that it was so heart breaking that there was nothing he could tell me about his time when we'd been apart. That he had just spent the last seven and half years moping in his room because of his own actions.

Much as I enjoyed our chat, I was started to flag and half-managed to stifle a yawn.

"You should get some sleep. It's four in the morning."

I was shocked at quite how late it was; I really hadn't realised that Edward and I had spent so long talking. I wondered what I was going to do about getting home, and I suddenly felt very weak when I tried to stand up.

Only moments later, there was a knock at the door.

"It's Alice," Edward informed me before going to open the door to his sister.

She skipped into the room in her normal jovial manner. "I brought you some pyjamas and some clothes for tomorrow." She thrust a large bag of clothes in my direction, which I had no option but to take off her.

"You can sleep wherever you want," she said, answering the question that was on the tip of my tongue. "Edward's room is the one to your left," she informed me, pointing in the direction of one of the doors. "None of us need those rooms for sleeping, so you're more than welcome."

I was quite simply feeling too tired to argue with her. "Do you ever get used to her?" I asked Edward with a smile.

"Nope. And I've known her for long enough."

I could see that Edward and Alice were having some kind of private conversation, so I looked through the bag at the clothes she had brought me. I didn't want to think about how Alice had acquired these clothes on such short notice, as I certainly hadn't decided to stay earlier on in the night.

"Do you want to sleep in my room?" Edward asked me with a pointed look at his sister.

"That's fine," I said with a sigh. "I just need somewhere to sleep, I really don't mind where, but I don't want to be an inconvenience."

"You won't be," he said with a smile. "I'll show you to your room."

Edward and I had not touched again since I'd grabbed his hand earlier on in the night, and he guided me towards the room that was deemed his. I noticed a bag had been placed in one corner, but other than that, it was just a room.

"Thank you."

"No problem. Get some sleep; you look like you could do with it. And if you need anything just call."

"Will do." He nodded and then left the room.

I pulled the pyjamas out of the bag and pulled them on after brushing my teeth with the toothbrush and paste Alice had also provided and climbed into the large, warm bed.

It had been an exhausting day, and one of many surprises. Seeing the Cullens again … was both extraordinarily heart breaking and fantastic all at once. Edward was the same as I had remembered, only more beautiful and perfect than my memory had allowed.

Earlier on in the day, I had been so resolute that I was going to let Eric turn me, and now I was sure that it would be Carlisle. It wasn't solely for the reason that Edward would consider me dead if I became like Eric, but I had to admit to myself that it played a part in my decision, no matter what I had told Edward. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if my accepting Eric's offer would mean his suicide.

I couldn't do it.

But I also had to admit, in all honesty, that if given the choice from the start I probably would have chosen Carlisle's way. Knowing Eric as I did, I knew that he would encourage me to feed from humans and that no doubt sex would be involved. I just didn't think that I could do that, even without Edward.

I laid my head on the pillow for what was very likely to be my last night as a human.

I tried not to think to sentimentally about that, but even if I hadn't made the choice to become vampire, I would be dying right now.

Despite those thoughts, it didn't take long to drift into a deep, restful sleep.

* * *

_I'd love to know your thoughts._


	4. Chapter 4

_This is probably the penultimate chapter, and the next one will take us more back into the SVM world - and maybe some other characters..._

_Hope you enjoy -although it is a little angsty in places!_

* * *

Four-forty-five. I'd slept for over twelve hours.

I rolled over to take in my surroundings. The room was huge and styled in pale gold colours that suited Edward down to a tee. It was definitely his room even though it was just a room in a hotel, and it didn't feel at all strange being there in what should be his bed. I tried not to think about that fact, but it was already ingrained on my mind.

I sat up and took a large swig from the bottle of water that had been placed by my bed – assumedly by Alice – and laid back onto the soft mattress. I wasn't feeling so good again, which was no doubt a result of the leukaemia eating away at my system, Eric's blood having begun to wear off again. I couldn't help but wonder whether I'd be dead if it wasn't for Eric's intervention.

I owed him so much.

But I couldn't accept his offer. It wasn't how it was supposed to be. Eric's kind were sexual and sensual, and ruled by politics. I wasn't that kind of person in life and I didn't think I could be like that in death either. I'd prefer the more sedate lifestyle that the Cullens had. I'd like to be educated and explore the world in that way. They were also almost as breakable as humans considering their aversion to silver, sunlight and pointy wooden objects.

And I just didn't think I could ever bite and feed from a person – even without the risk of killing them or turning them accidentally – and going from what Eric and Pam had told me, bottled blood was not a good substitute. But then would animal blood be any better? Pam was certainly dead against the idea, but then she got to live off humans.

I was sure that I could do it, but the major issue was still Edward. How were we going to have any kind of relationship? And would I even remember what he did to me? I was aware that the vampires lost many of their human memories after the change – did I want that? Would it be a clean slate for us, a new start? But then just because I wouldn't remember it, didn't mean that Edward would forget, and given his penchant for self-loathing and torturing himself, I was sure it never would be a new start.

But still, out of the two options, I knew which one I was going to choose.

And so did Alice considering the look on her face as she burst into my room.

"Bella! You've made the right decision!"

She half pulled me into a hug and I groaned at her exuberance. Could I deal with her enthusiasm for all eternity?

"I need to shower and change," I told her as soon as she let me go, "and I really am hungry. Maybe we could grab some drive-through on the way to Fangtasia?"

"Don't be silly, I'll send Emmett out to get you whatever you want to eat. This is your last night as a human; you may as well have something you really want."

She had a point. "I'd really love mushroom ravioli and a slice of tiramisu." I smiled at the memory of Edward and I on the day of what I always assumed to be our first date.

"I'll get too it," she said with a knowing smile.

She danced out the room and closed the door tightly behind her. I laid down on the bed with my eyes shut for a few moments to collect my thoughts and try and gather the energy I needed before I forced myself out of bed and onto my feet.

It was much more of an effort than I had expected it to be.

Holding onto the wall, I made my way towards the bathroom and towards the large shower unit. I was pleased to see that there was a small seat within the huge stall that would allow me to sit, as I wasn't quite sure I had the energy to stand.

Once the shower was at the perfect temperature, I got in to find that Alice had also placed my old shampoo and conditioner in the stall. It was the one that had smelled of strawberries, and I hadn't used it since Edward left. I didn't know whether to hug Alice or throw something at her.

Once out of the shower and dried, I pulled on the lacy blue underwear on before the black skinny jeans and midnight blue wrap around top she'd provided. I used to hate the clothes that Alice provided, but this outfit suited me and fitted perfectly, even though I had lost a lot of weight in the seven and a half years since she'd last seen me. I applied a little light make-up, dried my hair and went to see the rest of the Cullens.

Only Edward was the only one sat there.

"Where's everyone else?"

"Getting you dinner," he told me solemnly. "Apparently we need to talk."

"Alice?"

"Who else?" he said with a slight smile.

"What are we talking about?" I didn't like to think that he knew more than me.

"No idea. She blocked it from me. She knows how much I dislike country music and she was playing the Dixie Chicks on a continuous loop in her head."

I smiled. It seemed like just the type of thing she would do.

"I guess that's not fun."

"No," he sighed. "It's not." I could see that he wasn't happy, however.

"What is it?"

"Nothing … I just … Alice seemed sympathetic to me. It was as if something you were going to say wouldn't be so good."

I assumed, then, that our conversation was going to be about us. How we were going to get along together, whether we would ever be able to be friends. And more than that? I just didn't know.

I didn't doubt that I still loved him, but I had been so hurt by his actions. I just didn't know what the future held for us.

"Do you want me to be a vampire like you?" I blurted out without really thinking it though.

"Of course, Bella. The alternative-"

"No," I interrupted. "I mean, if we had just ran into each other without any of this other shit going on. If I was just a normal, healthy twenty-five year old, would you want me to be a vampire?"

He shut his eyes and clenched his teeth, his strong jaw locking as he thought about my question. I could see the pain and conflict on his face even without seeing his eyes.

I knew what his answer was going to be.

"I would want what I have always wanted for you," he eventually said in a very careful manner. His amber eyes met mine and could see them full of grief. There was no hiding his emotions this time. "I have only meant to protect you from my world. I would want you to have a normal life, find a human male to marry, have children with, grow old…"

"Even though that would hurt you?" I asked him with the knowledge of what he had told me the day before.

"Yes. You are more important."

"You just can't consider my happiness can you? You never could see that I would be unhappy because you made that choice for me. You never could understand how much I loved you and how you were all that I wanted." I clenched my teeth and looked away from him.

Edward didn't move a muscle.

"But it's irrelevant," I eventually said after at least ten minutes had passed with neither one of us saying a word. "I'm not healthy, I'm dying. And I don't seem to have any other option but to join you as a vampire." I swallowed loudly to try to compose myself. "So my question is, what are you going to do after I've been turned?"

He looked confused, like he wasn't expecting my question. "I don't know … it depends on what you want. If you don't want me around, I'll leave…"

"I think that may be best."

I had spoken without really thinking, and the look of shock and pain on his face was pure torture. But it was what I needed. I needed to do this on my own.

He clenched his jaw tightly and stood up. I didn't have Jasper's power, but I was sure I could feel the pain rolling off him. And it broke my heart that it was my words that had caused it.

"I don't mean now," I yelled at him, my voice breaking as I gave into my own emotions. "I just … I need some time … I have to speak to Carlisle, and I can't just have your family abandon you like that…"

"Bella, you are more important. I am the one that has caused all this. And you'll be a new-born vampire, you need them all with you to help you learn how to live as a vampire. You need them. I have lived many years on my own, I can do it again."

His posture relaxed slightly, but I could see what my words had done to him. I wondered whether he would ever forgive me for treating him like this, but I needed to do it.

"When would you like me to go?" he asked after a few more minutes of silence.

I couldn't hold back the sob as looked up at him. He looked heartbroken, forlorn, despondent. I felt exactly the same.

"Please stay until I'm turned. I'd like to know you were there during the change…"

"But you want me to leave before you wake up?" He knew my answer as well as I did.

"Yes."

"I can do that," he said with a nod.

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologise for."

"I don't mean to hurt you, I just…"

"I understand, Bella. I would never blame you for anything." It hurt to hear him speak my name in such a heartbroken tone, and I was almost glad when he picked his head up. "The others are here with your dinner."

I gave him as warm a smile as I could manage before Alice burst into the room, the rest of the Cullens hot on her heals. I could see from the look that Jasper and Esme gave Edward that Alice had filled them in on my request. I tried not to think about how my decision had affected all of the Cullens, but it was painfully obvious that they sympathised with Edward. Even Rosalie.

"Here's your dinner, Bella, though I have to say it smells disgusting." Alice said cheerfully, although I was quite sure that her tone was forced.*

The Cullens said nothing as I ate a few bites of my dinner – which really was lovely – but I couldn't handle the tension in the room.

"I'm sorry I'm doing this, I just –"

"It's okay, Bella, they all understand." Edward told me, thankfully interrupting me before I had to say any more. "No one blames you for making this decision."

Each one of them confirmed what Edward had told me and I was able to finish my dinner and dessert. I still couldn't help but feeling like I was destroying this family with my request, and I felt like I had to do something to make it better.

"Just give me a year," I told him, my eyes catching his. "I need some time to think, to get used to this."

He gave me a warmer smile that seemed to show some relief. A year still seemed such a long time to me, but for him I assumed it did not seem as long. I felt the tension in the room lift, and Jasper – who had previously looked in pain – let out a sigh of relief.

"I can do that."

"Where will you go?" I asked almost desperately.

"I'm not too sure. I've never been to New Zealand…"

"That's so far away," I blurted out without thinking.

"I think that's the point!" Emmett guffawed, earning a slap from his wife. "What! She wants him away for a year – where does it matter where he goes!"

There was no malice in Emmett's words but he spoke the truth. And that truth was that I was being hypocritical to ask Edward that.

"I'm sorry, it's none of my business." I hung my head slightly and avoided Edward's gaze.

"Bella," he said, waiting to continue until I looked at him. "If you wanted me to stay nearby I would. I just … I didn't think you'd want me to."

"I want you to be safe, and I know that Alice will keep an eye out on you, but if something happened and you were so far away…"

He gave me a smile. "I'll be fine, I promise. Vampire, remember? But I know that Esme wouldn't like me to be so far away. She has been convincing me not to go to New Zealand for years." He gave her a smile and seemed to respond to something she had told him privately. "I'll stay on the continent, I promise." He looked almost … pleased at my concern for him.

"But out of Mississippi?"

"Out of Mississippi." He affirmed.

I looked towards the large windows of the suite to see that the sun was setting and I welcomed the distraction even though I wasn't looking forward to telling Eric my decision.

"We should go soon if we want to be at Fangtasia for first dark."

"We should," Carlisle said, offering me a hand to help me up. One I was very grateful for, as my conversation with Edward had been very tiring.

All the other vampires left me alone with Carlisle as they packed up the suite and started to take the bags down to the car. We obviously weren't coming back here after we left Fangtasia.

"You really don't hate me for wanting it this way?" I asked Carlisle once we were alone.

"Of course not, Bella. We all understand your decision, no more so than Edward. You will be a new-born vampire and you will need all of our guidance, but I understand why you do not want him around. Just … don't be too harsh on him. He loves you a great deal and I would hate for him to slip back to his former state. Or worse."

I shuddered to think what would be worse than how Edward was before and I wiped a tear from my eye as Carlisle led me slowly out of the suite and towards the private elevator.

"Where are we going … I mean, where will you change me?"

"We're going back to our house in Ithaca. It is remote enough for you to not have to worry about any humans, and there are good hunting grounds. But obviously Edward has lived there…" he trailed off as he searched my eyes for an answer.

"You don't need to cut him out completely. I want to be able to remember as I need to think things through."

"Do you have things that will help you remember?" he asked carefully.

"I have journals." I thought of the black leather bound diaries that I had wrote in every day after Edward had left. "I wrote in them for years after he left. It was both my own personal torture and therapy. It seemed to help at the time to write everything down, but I can't look at them now. Just thinking about them brings it all back." I tried to block out those memories, but I failed miserably.

"We'll go to your apartment and collect your belongings before we leave. Those journals will certainly help you remember, and I hope that you will allow Jasper or myself to council you if you require any emotional help."

"Thank you. Remind me of that once I'm turned."

He chuckled as he led me down to the underground garage, me in the car with Esme, Carlisle and Alice, while the others rode with Edward. I hoped that we wouldn't always have this awkwardness hanging over us, but I just couldn't see another way.

.

We arrived at Fangtasia just after first dark, and Eric was stood leaning on the doorframe at the front of the club as we arrived. He was already dressed in his Fangtasia-wear of dark jeans, black boots and black tank top, and he had his arms crossed intimidatingly across his broad chest.

I simply rolled my eyes at him as I made my way across the parking lot to him.

"You smell worse than ever," he informed me.

"Gee, Eric, nice to see you too!" I slapped him on the bicep and he raised an eyebrow at me.

"What Sheriff Northman is trying to say," Carlisle said from behind me, "is that you seem to be going downhill fast."

Eric gave Carlisle a look before ushering myself and the Cullens into the club. "You've made a decision?" Eric asked with a knowing look. I nodded and followed him to one end of the club where his private booth was located. Pam had seemed to usher the others into an area at the far side of the bar, but I was more than aware that they would overhear our conversation.

"I'm sorry, Eric." I knew he could no doubt feel from my emotions that I wasn't going to be accepting his offer. "I'm going to let Carlisle turn me."

"You're making the wrong decision," he informed me as he leant back into his seat.

"I know that you'd think that, but it's what I want."

"Why the conflicting emotions then. You don't seem happy about your decision."

"It's complicated."

"This is to do with the ginger one?"

"He's not ginger!" I admonished, but couldn't help bit laughing. Eric always did know how to cheer me up. "His hair is bronze."

"Looks ginger to me. And he also looks like he's gone eighteen rounds with a were-tiger. What did you do to him?"

"We've talked, but … I don't know what the future holds for us. I don't even know if we can be friends."

Somehow telling this to Eric was so much easier than talking to Edward about it. I was highly aware that all the Cullens were listening in to our conversation, and I wondered whether Edward could read Eric's mind. It was something I'd always kept hidden from Eric in the past, as I knew how dangerous it could be for Edward if he could read the minds of these vampires.

"You don't want to be friends with him?"

"It's not that … it's … I always thought if I saw him again it would all be so simple. I imagined the Hollywood-style reunion where we'd fall into each other's arms and all would be okay and forgiven. But I can't. I can't forget like that. He broke me so badly."

"So why are you choosing to let Carlisle change you?"

"Because even if there is a small chance of us ever being able to rekindle what we had, I have to give it a go."

"You still love him." It was a statement of fact.

"Yeah, I do. It's what makes it so painful."

"Well," he said beckoning Pam over to join us, "I will always think you've made the wrong decision, I would have enjoyed corrupting you as my child."

"Wow, thanks. You really have made me realise I have chosen the right way!"

"Bella, Bella, Bella! You'd have given in to me eventually. Trust me on that!" He gave me a wink and I noticed Pam rolling her eyes at his antics.

"It would have been nice to have someone else to have to put up with Eric as well, but I'll admit to liking being an only child."

"A spoiled one at that!" Eric playfully swatted Pam as she bared her fangs at her maker.

"I want to thank you for all that you have done for me. Both of you. I probably wouldn't be alive now if it wasn't for you and I thank you for allowing me to have the choice."

"I hope that you have made the right decision." Eric cast a glance over my shoulder to where Edward was sat.

I really hoped that he couldn't read Eric's mind.

"Come," he said, scooping me up to his arms despite my protests and walking over to the Cullens. "I think it is about time you all left. Don't want you to overstay your welcome."

He kissed me softly on the forehead then deposited me into Carlisle's arms, who placed me down but allowed me to continue leaning on him for support. I didn't doubt that the kiss had solely been for Edward's benefit.

"I hope to see you again someday," I told Eric and Pam after forcing them both into an unwanted hug.

"Only when you have that new-born thirst of yours under control! I wouldn't want to have to kill you." That comment was met by a growl from Edward's direction. "Calm yourself, Cullen. And stay the fuck out of my mind, you might not like what you see in there."

I gasped and Eric gave me a knowing look.

"There is little that gets past me, Miss Swan, you should know that by now. Although I don't blame you for not telling me. The ability to read vampire minds could be a very useful one, and one that I will certainly not forget."

He gave me a wink as Carlisle led me to the car and helped me in.

"Thank you again, Eric, Pam. And goodbye, I guess."

Carlisle softly shut the door and climbed into the driver's seat, Esme beside him and Alice next to me in the back. I waved as we drove off and carried on staring until we could no longer see the bar.

I took a deep breath as I thought about what happened next.

"How are you feeling Bella?" Carlisle asked as he met my eyes in the mirror.

"Tired, exhausted, emotional, confused, apprehensive … I could go on." I gave him a small smile. "What happens now?"

"Emmett is taking the other car to pack up your belongings to take with us." I gasped at the thought of Edward going into my room and reading my journals.

"Don't worry," Alice said, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Your housemate is at her boyfriend's and Edward knows not to look at your belongings. He knows better than to invade your privacy." I let out the breath I was holding and calmed a little. "It will be okay, Bella."

I didn't know quite what she was referring to, but I allowed myself to relax into her as she wrapped a cold, hard arm around me.

It didn't take long at all for me to drift into a deep sleep.

.

When I woke up I was still in the car, but it seemed to be a different one to before. The leather seats were darker in colour and the scenery outside the car seemed much different to the Louisiana I'd been used to.

"Welcome back, sleepy head." Esme turned and smiled at me from her seat in the front of the car. "We were beginning to think you'd miss the whole journey. We should be at the house in half an hour."

"We're in New York? I slept through the flight?"

"You did," Carlisle told me calmly. "Your body is beginning to shut down so you are sleeping for longer periods. We will not have too much time when we get to the house."

I took a deep breath. This was really happening.

"What's going to happen?"

"I will sedate you first with a strong painkiller and anaesthetic before I inject your heart with my venom. It means that I won't have to bite you, but also that the pain should hopefully be less. Only I have never done it this way before, so until you wake I cannot tell whether it will make a difference."

"It sounds great," I told him. I much preferred the idea of being sedated when the venom was injected into my system as I remembered only too well how much vampire venom burned.

I must have fallen asleep again as I woke to the car stopping and the door beside me opening.

"Come, Bella, I'll take you to your room."

I was too tired to walk myself so I let Alice carry me up the stairs to a room on the third floor of the house. I didn't get to see much of the house, but I could see that it was set in a clearing with thick woods around the outside. The room Alice had brought me to was large, light and airy with a large blue covered bed dominating the room and books lining the walls.

It almost seemed like it had always been my room.

"Carlisle just needs to prepare himself but I know that he wants to start very soon."

I took a deep breath to calm myself. "Alice … is it all going to be okay?"

She smiled at me. "You're going to make an excellent vampire, Bella."

"That wasn't what I meant." She knew it as well.

"I can't tell. There are still so many variables, so many decisions to be made. He would do whatever you wanted, you know that don't you?"

"I do know that. And I wish there was some other way…"

"I know." She got up from her position on my bed. "Would you like me to tell Carlisle that you're ready?"

"Yes …," she turned to leave the room. "No, Alice, can you ask Edward to come and see me first."

She turned and gave me a warm and supportive smile. "Sure."

It was probably a minute later that Edward knocked on my door. I knew that vampires could move much quicker than that, but I was sure that Alice was probably telling Edward something or other.

"Come in," I told him and he slowly walked into the room but remained standing by the door once he'd closed it behind him.

"Are you okay?" I asked him.

"You shouldn't be asking me that," he said, his voice soft yet pained.

I sighed and stared up into his amber eyes. "I feel awful about kicking you out of your own home; pushing you away from your family."

"This is your home now and they've been your family as long as you've known them. Bella, I would do anything that you asked of me, know that. I understand why you have to do this, and if you wished, I would stay away forever. Just to know that you are safe and happy is all I desire."

"I know …and I understand that that is why you left. But you were wrong to do that. You were wrong to assume that your leaving would ever make me better off, and I understand how stupid this seems that I'm asking you to leave now," I was beginning to get emotional, the lump in my throat beginning to suffocate me and I could feel my eyes prickling with tears. "But I need some time to think, and I just can't think straight when your around."

"I understand, Bella. You don't need to explain to me."

I held out a hand to him and he tentatively came and sat on the bed next to me. He placed his hand on the bed close to mine, but did not touch me.

"I do," I placed my fingers over his and gently interlocked our fingertips. I tried to ignore the sensations that ran through me at his touch, but it all became a little too much. "I need to tell you that I love you, that I've always loved you." I took a deep breath and looked away, our fingers still locked together. "But I have to do it this way, I have to know if I really can survive on my own without you."

"Of course. And if you need longer…"

"I don't want any longer. I don't even know if I can cope with a year, but I need to find out if knowing everything would have made any difference."

He nodded once, standing up when I withdrew my hand from his. He seemed to miss the contact even more than I did.

"I love you, Isabella Swan. I have loved you as long as I have known you, and I would wait a thousand lifetimes for you if I had to. I will never forgive myself for what I did to you, the way I hurt you and if you ever do allow me back into your life, no matter how small a role, know that I will never stop trying to make up to you for the wrongdoings I have caused you."

His topaz eyes blazed at me as we held eye contact for a few seconds longer than necessary.

"But you'll be here, during my change." I felt bad asking him to watch me go through something he was powerless to prevent, but the knowledge of him being close by made it seem less daunting, somehow.

"If you wish it, I will not leave your side."

"Thank you."

"I will go and get Carlisle for you, he is anxious that he sedate you soon."

"Goodbye, Edward."

"Goodbye, Bella."

Edward turned and left the room, Carlisle replacing him at the door mere seconds after. I was aware that the doctor was talking me through what would happen, but I couldn't concentrate on what he was saying. Was I making the right decision? Was I wrong to put Edward through this?

"Bella?"

I turned to look up at Carlisle.

"If you're ready, I'll sedate you now."

"Where's Edward?"

"I'm here, Bella." He was instantly at Carlisle's side and looked anxious and pained.

"Okay, I'm ready."

I kept my eyes trained on Edward's as Carlisle expertly injected the sedative into a cannula he'd inserted on my left wrist.

"You'll begin to feel sleepy very soon…"

Edward's eyes were the last thing I saw with my human ones.

.

.

.

"That's three hundred and forty-nine dollars and ninety-five cent, ma'am."

I tried to breathe normally as I handed her the credit card. Just the fact that Alice was making me spend a stupid amount of money on a hair-clip should have been enough to make me massacre the whole department store, not to mention he human blood that filled my senses.

Once I'd paid for my purchase, the far girl behind the counter handed me the small and expensive paper bag and I took it from her, careful to not let her feel my cold skin.

"Have a nice day!"

I smiled what was probably more like a grimace and left the shop to where Jasper was waiting for us outside. The poor man had become our pack-horse for the shopping trip and had many, many bags at his feet. I shot Jasper a look and he sent me a much needed bolt of calmness.

"Did she have to be so goddamned cheerful?"

"Stop being a grouch. You're doing brilliantly!" Alice was grinning and happily jumping on the spot.

"With the bloodlust, maybe, but if you make me go into one more shop I will kill you."

"Bella, it's the best way for your to desensitise yourself to human blood. Jasper and I are not going to let anything happen to you."

"It's more everyone else that I'm concerned about." I snapped at her.

"You know what I meant. Come on, one more shop and then we can go home."

"We've been shopping almost every day for the past three weeks. The humans aren't what's bothering me!"

Jasper chuckled as I growled at his wife, obviously satisfied that I wouldn't carry out my threats to her being. She happily led us all to another expensive boutique where she insisted on me spending another couple of thousand dollars on various outfits.

I really had no idea why I needed so many new clothes, but Alice was insistent. It was a good job that she was able to play the stock market so well as with the rate I was spending the Cullen fortune they were going to start to need to sell assets.

When we got back to the house Alice vanished and left Jasper and I to take the bags up to my room. I noticed that no one else was in the house, so I took the opportunity to ask him the question that had been on the tip of my tongue for a while. No doubt, Alice had seen that I wanted to talk to Jasper alone so had given me that opportunity. It was a time I was very grateful for her ability.

"Jazz," I said as he placed the last of my bags in my room. "There was something I wanted to ask you."

"Sure, but I can feel your anxiety. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I just … I wanted to know how Edward is."

He looked a little shocked at my question, and I wasn't surprised at his reaction. Not one of the Cullens had mentioned Edward in front of me in the forty-eight weeks and three days that I'd been a vampire, and I hadn't mentioned him to anyone other than Carlisle either. He knew that I had my journals, after all.

I was sure that they were all still in contact with him, calling him when I was out hunting, or emailing him, but I never caught anyone seemingly in the act. They were obviously much more adept at being sneaky than I had given them credit for. I was also aware that Jasper had gone to see an 'old friend' the week before, and I had my suspicions that it was Edward he had seen.

"Are you sure Bella? I mean, I wasn't too sure how much you remembered."

"I remember it all. My memory of my human days is as good as it was the day before I was turned."

He looked really shocked now. "But you haven't said … does Carlisle know?"

"Yes, and it's something we've talked about, but ultimately I had to think it through on my own. But I need to know how he is. Please be honest with me."

"He's better than he was during the previous seven years." That wasn't much of a help. "But he's at least talking this time." Jasper paused for a moment trying to gage my emotions. "I saw him last week."

"I had a feeling that you had."

"He'll be relieved to know that you remember him, it was hard for him to think that you didn't know who he was." I suddenly felt hugely guilty at not thinking about that. How me not mentioning Edward's name would make him think that. "Hey, enough with the guilt."

"Sorry," I apologised to him. "But I've thought a lot about him recently. Normally when I've been alone so not to bother you."

"You don't need to worry about me. And I will always help you, you know that."

"Where has he been?"

"He's been intermittently staying with the Denalis in Alaska, but has been traveling around the north of the country and through Canada. I guess to some extent he's been on a site seeing tour, but he's looking forward to coming back."

I could see that Jasper was trying to gage my reaction to that news, and I could feel my own emotions spike at his words.

"Where is he now?"

"In Alaska. He'll stay there until he comes back here."

I nodded. "Does he … does he ask about me?"

Jasper smiled at me. "He talks about nothing else, and please don't be angry at any one of us, but he's always asked that we keep him updated on how you've been getting on, and we've told him about how you've done so well with your resistance to human blood and ability to act like a human. He's as proud of you as we all are."

I knew that maybe I should be annoyed at my brothers and sisters telling Edward every little thing that had happened in the time we'd been apart, but I was grateful he'd shown an interest. And it wasn't as if he knew anything really of me or my emotions.

"I'm not mad."

"You're pleased." Jasper stated.

"Maybe I am. I still don't know what's going to happen when I see him again, but I've missed him."

"All this time?"

"Yes. I felt it straight away, although I didn't realise at first that it was him that was missing. I just knew that something wasn't quite right. After my thirst died down I began to feel it even more, and I started to feel jealous that you and Alice, Rose and Emmett and Carlisle and Esme all had each other."

"You were missing your mate."

"Yes, and … I think Edward is my mate." I felt suddenly quite depressed again.

"Bella? What is it?"

"I'm not sure he feels the same way."

"He loves you more than anything. And why would you say you don't think he feels the same? Do you mean about him being your mate?"

"The night he came back … I mentioned that I thought Victoria had come after me because she thought I was Edward's mate. He didn't acknowledge what I had said. He didn't contradict me."

After a little thought, Jasper spoke. "I can only imagine he didn't want to upset you or piss you off, but Edward knows as well as any of us that you and he are mates. I can only assume that he didn't know when he left as even he would have known that a vampire should not be split from his or her mate, but he certainly realised it after he left."

I took a moment to think about what Jasper had told me. I was well aware that vampires felt the loss of their mates very keenly, Victoria certainly did after James had been killed. And considering the way I felt after Edward had left, he felt it worse than I did.

"Edward's pain after he left…"

"Was unbearable." He finished for me. "I couldn't stand to be near him. I think my reaction to him was part of the reason that he took off. I have never felt such anguish coming from a vampire before. Alice told me at the time that he had considered going to the Volturi and begging for death on many occasions."

I gasped at his confession. "What stopped him?"

"His promise to you that we would never do such a thing. At least not if you were alive. He knew that he had broken his promise to not leave you, so he didn't want to break that one as well."

"I'm glad he didn't do anything stupid. I'll admit that I came fairly close myself at times." I unconsciously played with my fingers in my lap, a human trait that I had carried over in my change. "So is Edward with the Denalis now?"

"He is."

I tried not to think of Edward being with Tanya, but it was very hard not to. I'd met the Denalis about eight months after my change, and Tanya had made no secret of the fact that she wanted Edward. In fact, she insinuated more than once that she was pleased that I had 'pushed Edward away and into her hands'.

I could feel a low growl growing within me.

"Geez, Bella! You're jealous?" Realising how my emotions were, I got myself under control and gave Jasper a sheepish look. "Really, you have nothing to be concerned about when it comes to Tanya. Edward's been declining her advances for decades before he even met you. He certainly wasn't going to give in now that he had found you." Jasper chuckled at me and gave me a friendly slap on the back. "How's it been for you? This last year, what do you think will happen when he comes back?"

"I don't know, I've thought about him a lot and I've missed him. There are so many variables still, I doubt that Alice would be able to help me at all. "

"You're quite right on that one. Alice told me that she's seen you changing your mind about whether to ask him to come back early, or going to find him on your own."

"I have," I admitted. "Gah!" I yelled in frustration, "I really wish I knew what to do, what the future held."

"What do you want to happen? In an ideal world where you get to write the script, what would happen when he came back?"

I smiled at the thought that I had allowed myself to indulge in on occasion. "He'd come back, walking confidently into the room then drop to his knees and declare his love for me, proposing with the perfect ring. And then he'd scoop me up into his arms and make love to me for days."

Jasper laughed loudly at my dream and I scowled at him.

"Bell, you do know Edward, don't you? You know perfectly well that he'd never do any of that. Not straight away, anyway."

"Not straight away?" I questioned. Was there something he would do?

"The marriage bit. Edward is an old-fashioned boy. He was born in the Edwardian period where a man would treat a lady with respect. I know that in many senses, my brother has already betrayed his upbringing, but he is not experienced in the ways of love."

"I know. I realised that I have more experience in that area than he does."

"It just means that the chances of him jumping you like that are slim to none." Jasper gave me a warm-hearted smile. "You know, I know that Alice would be more than willing to help you choose an outfit for when Edward does return…" He gave me a wink and I rolled my eyes.

"I can only imagine what kind of torture she would submit me to. But I have to admit that I'd like to look my best when I see him again."

"Yay!" I heard Alice squeal from downstairs. I rolled my eyes at Jasper and slapped my hand against my forehead. "I have the perfect dress in mind for your reunion so we need to go shopping in New York!"

"Alice, we have spent the last three weeks shopping every day. There must be something in the half a million dollars-worth of clothes I've bought recently that would be suitable."

"No there isn't. And I know exactly where to take you!"

"You're on your own with this one," Jasper told me, to which I gave him a light-hearted growl.

"Oh Bella, I'm so happy that you're looking forward to seeing Edward. I've seen you flick between decisions so quickly that you've been giving me a headache. But now, your future is so much clearer!"

"Care to share with me?" I could see how Edward would get annoyed with his sister.

"Not a chance. Now come on, there's something I need to show you."

.

**Edward**

Three hundred and sixty-five days.

I was glad it hadn't been a leap year as I wasn't sure that I could wait another day to see her. I'd timed my year from just before I left her side, rather than the last time she saw me, which had been three days earlier.

But watching her change had been one of the hardest times in my existence. She'd been sedated at first, but from when Carlisle removed the cannula and injected his venom directly into her heart, I was powerless to help her. It did seem that the huge amount of morphine he'd given her reduced the burn at first, but after a few hours, she began to whimper and writhe around on the bed. But she never screamed like so many did and I was so proud of her.

And I never left her side.

I was intermittently joined by my family, and I helped in placing cool clothes on her overheated forehead. It was all the contact I allowed myself, knowing that if I touched too much of her I would never be able to leave. An act in itself was one of the hardest I had ever done.

But I did it nonetheless; my family making me promise that I would be in regular contact with them by phone and email. In all honesty, I wasn't too sure that I would be able to, but when I first spoke to Esme and she told me how beautiful Bella was as a vampire I became addicted to hearing news of her.

I can't say that it didn't pain me to know that she never asked of me, but I held out the hope that she was internalising her thoughts. If I hadn't thought that, I knew I would have gone insane or straight to Mississippi.

My phone buzzing in my pocket drew me out of my thoughts and I read the message that Alice had sent me. It simply said, _Go to her. We'll be back in two days_. My sneaky sister had deliberately stayed away from me so that I wouldn't see her thoughts, and had asked me to stay ten miles south of the Cullen residence in Ithaca until the others had left.

All three other couples were staying in romantic log cabins somewhere along the Canadian border. This pleased me to some extent in that Alice was obviously confident enough to allow my family to be over a hundred miles away while Bella and I had our talk, but then I also knew she was remarkably restrained for such a young vampire, so could easily be among humans without being too much of a concern to them.

The journey to the house took me much less time than it should have had I been abiding the laws of the road, but I was determined to see her as soon as I could. I couldn't deny the fear and trepidation I felt as I drove down the long driveway to the house where she was waiting, but I had to face my fears.

This was my fault, after all.

She opened the door a second after I had knocked and I was stunned into silence by her beauty. She had been beautiful before, but seeing her as a vampire … she was the most perfect creature I had ever seen.

Her eyes were golden, but somehow also seemed to retain some of her original chocolate brown in their warmth; her skin was alabaster, smooth and flawless; her rich mahogany locks of hair cascaded down her neck and over her shoulders to her mid back; her slender neck was bare until it met a beautiful silk royal blue long sleeved dress.

She looked stunning, striking, in fact. And I was speechless.

"How are you, Edward?" she eventually asked and I marvelled at the beauty of her voice.

"Good," I eventually stuttered, sounding every bit like the seventeen-year-old I really was. "You look beautiful. You are beautiful," I corrected.

She hung her head slightly in a bashful manner. No doubt she'd have been blushing had she been human and I was relieved to know I still held that power over her. It gave me just a glimmer of hope that she might not completely reject me.

"Come in. This is your home. And you really didn't need to knock."

"I didn't want to interrupt you." I followed her into the house, noticing the subtle changes that had come from her living there: her sweet-smelling scent lingering in the air and penetrating the furniture. It was like my own personal heaven. Or hell, depending on how our meeting went.

"How long are you staying?" she asked once we were both sat on opposite ends of the large cream leather sofa.

"However long you want me to," I admitted honestly. "I meant what I said when I told you I'd stay away forever if you wished it." I didn't want to, but if it was what she wanted, I would do it for her.

"No!" She said quickly, "I mean … I wouldn't want you to stay away. I just wondered whether you had made plans to go elsewhere, or go back to Denali."

I gave her a smile. "There is nothing for me anywhere but where you are. And especially nothing in Denali."

I thought back to Tanya's behaviour in the last year that I'd spent time with her coven in Alaska. She'd renewed her attentions to me with increased vigour, trying to convince me that Bella was not good enough for me, that she had pushed me away and didn't deserve to have me. I told her on more than one occasion that I wasn't interested, but I ended up having to be quite forceful with her, and in my last visit, we'd gotten into a physical fight, which had to both be restrained from killing the other.

At least after that she left me alone.

"No? I suppose they told you that they came here?"

"I did know that, yes. I hope that Tanya wasn't too insufferable." I hated the idea of her being rude to Bella, and it made me wish that I could have killed her.

"It was nothing I couldn't handle," she said with a smile.

I was struggling to keep my eyes off her. She looked exquisite, gorgeous and many other superlatives that I could list in many languages.

"That dress on you … you look so beautiful. You are without doubt the most resplendent being I have ever known."

She dropped her head again and wrapped a piece of her long hair behind her ear. "Hardly. Rosalie, remember?"

It upset me that she didn't see how perfect she was, but then she never had done. "I won't deny that Rose is attractive, but she doesn't come close to you. I've always loved how bashful you are, but you really should see yourself with better clarity. You are a beautiful creature and one that I have loved since I first set eyes on you." I placed my hand into my bag and pulled out a large, wooden Cartier box. "I know you hate gifts, although I am hoping that Alice may have cured you of that in the year you've been living with her, but when I saw this I knew I had to get it for you. I knew how well it would suit you, and in that dress it will match perfectly."

She looked expectantly as I handed her the wooden box. She ran a finger over the wooden veneer finish of the box before looking up at me. I gave her an encouraging smile and she opened the box, the opening facing her so that I was unable to see what was inside. But then I was studying her face.

"Oh," she gasped. "Edward, it's beautiful. But it's too much, I can't…"

"Bella, I bought it for you. It made me think of you when I saw it, and you are the only woman in the world who should be seen wearing it. Please accept it."

Her gaze met mine for a few brief seconds before she gave me a smile. "Thank you." She gently handed the box back to me and I gave her a confused look. "Will you put it on for me, my strength is okay, but I really wouldn't want to risk damaging it."

I smiled a relieved smile and took the seventy-five carat sapphire and diamond pendant out of the box, holding it delicately in my fingers. Bella moved closer to me, her scent washing over me as she lifted her hair up so I could place the necklace around her neck. I avoided touching her skin, but I was sure that I felt a crackle of electricity jump between us as I put it on her.

Once it had settled into place, she turned to face me again, and remained seated closer to me than she had been initially.

"What do you think?"

"I think I was right when I thought it would look superb on you. You look … wow, I just … I don't think I know the words in any language to vocalise quite how beautiful you look."

"You know, there's exaggeration and then there's being ridiculous!" she chuckled. It made me remember something Alice had told me.

"Go and look in a mirror. See for yourself how perfect you look."

She gave me a querying look before standing up and walking into the hallway where a full length mirror was hung on the wall. I watched her as she studied herself, maybe seeing for the first time what I saw in her.

"Do I want to know how much this cost?"

"Probably not," I told her with a smile as I went to stand behind her. "I always loved you in that colour."

"I'll find out, you know," she told me with a smile as she turned to face me.

"I'm sure you will. But know that you are worth so much more to me. And that I hurt you the way I did…" I found myself choking on my words as I remembered her words to me a year earlier, how I heard how much I had hurt her. How close I was to losing her forever.

"You did, Edward. And even now I'm not sure what this means for us. But I've had a lot of time to think, and I've realised that I've missed you. That somehow I didn't feel complete without you around."

"And now?" I whispered.

"Now … I don't know what I feel." I felt my face drop as she spoke. I shut my eyes, silently begging her to not say what I feared she might. "No, I'm not saying I feel worse, it's just … I feel confused, like there's something missing. Do you feel it?"

Her amber eyes searched mine for answers I didn't think I had. "All I feel right now is an unrivalled desire to hold you in my arms, to pull you close to me, to tell you that I am sorry and that I will make it up to you for the rest of eternity if I have to."

She gave me a smile. "Maybe that is it. I have to admit, I've wanted you to touch me as well. It's partially why I asked you to put the necklace on me. I wanted to feel your touch."

We both unconsciously took a small step towards each other and she held out her hand to me, her fingers spaced apart so that I could slip mine in between hers.

The second our skin made contact it felt right and I prayed to any gods that could hear me that she felt the same. Within seconds, we'd clasper our other hand together and stood so that we were only millimetres away from each other.

I swallowed the venom that was pooling in my mouth as her scent overwhelmed me. It seemed crazy that even as a vampire I was still so addicted to her scent, but I certainly was. She closed the gap between us and rested her head on my chest, her right ear located where my dead heart seemed to be coming back to life once more.

In a brave move, I leaned down to bury my head in her hair and breathed her in, noticing that she seemed to be doing the same to me.

"Don't leave me again," she whispered into my chest.

"I won't, sweet Bella. I promise you that even if you beg me to I will never be far from you." I pulled me head up from her hair and waited until her eyes met mine. "I love you. And I hope that one day you will trust me enough to know that I will never do anything to hurt you again. You are my all, my everything, my life."

"I love you too."

* * *

_Any comments?_

_Next one should be up in a week or so._

_Thanks for reading._


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